Saturday, December 29, 2007
Saturday, December 08, 2007
The bride (Ms. W.O.B.) was lovely, and the groom (Mr. B.B.) was frightening (and neither will be depicted here because neither will agree to be associated with WC beyond "family" events), but WC was really in her element, don't you agree?
And none other than that hootchie 5 Dolla was another of the Bridesmaids:
She is a really something, ain't she??? Dominick Centaur (dressed as a Goth Extraordinarre) and Bn Bn (fresh of the boat from Myanmar) were there, too. It was an allstar cast of characters. A real wedding, can you believe it??? This lends a great deal of credibility to W.C.
She got her nails done, hair did, and everything!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Photos will follow, but only if WC looks purty in any of them. Otherwise, you'll have to just use your imagination.
In the meantime, for no good reason, check out this super 80's photo of Corey Haim and Corey Feldman:
WC's bestest friend (and occasional arch-nemesis) 5 Dolla used to LOVE Corey Haim back in the day, and WC never understood it. 5 Dolla had Tiger Beat photos of him all over her walls. It was basically a Shrine O' Haim.
Even by 80's middle school standards, the Coreys were wack!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Oops. But not really, because how is Ramon gonna try to get his deportation advice from a bona-fide par-tay girl?
Here is his question:
bye de wey i tink i habe a cuestion regardin soneteen importan. do choo no any peepls that can hel me get a green car? i need a green car so mosh eets not fony. to work and to do all de eh-stof dat peepls do heer in the choonited eh-states. been de wise and bootiful mamacita dat choo ar maybe choo no sone peepl dat no sone peepl no? green cars are har to come by ese truss me Ramon noes. can choo hel me WC get in toush wid soneone wid a green car?Blah, blah, blah. Say what? And then he got all huffy when W.C. ignored him, and he wrote again:
hey mami, how com choo no answer no more eh? orale!!!! ramoncito no write to choo no more. i want a green car.W.C. doesn't believe that Ramon will stop writing as promised, and figures she'll have to answer him to get him to "CALLATE."
OK, Ramon. W.C. don't even know exactly what you're talking about (ever), because your accent is inscrutable, W.C. suggests that Ramon get in touch with this guy:
Green Car! BOO-YA!
Oh, and Ramon.... if you don't want to get deported again, you should find yourself a nice U.S. citizen to trick into marrying you. BUT LAWD, NOT W.C.! Don't even THINK about it!
Saturday, October 06, 2007
It seems to WC that BiBi has at least two personalities. There is Blonde BiBi (BloBi) and Brunette BiBi (BruBi). Each one gets into their own different messes.
BruBi commits a hit-and-run, while the next day across town, BloBi is dropping a baby on it's poor little soft head. BruBi shaves her head, while BloBi "performs" for the VMA's.
Neither of these two wonder-hootchies realize that it's the year 2007, on planet Earth, or that it's generally considered unseemly to smoke crack naked in front of one's babies.
Ya'll, W.C. just got back from a Cheetos-and-canned-wine-spiritual-sabbatical, and even W.C. understands these life lessons.
And the OTHER thing W.C. knows:
BIBI IS STILL COPYING W.C....
Did you all KNOW that W.C. has an alter ego??? Shocking, I know. But yes, it's true. And now you know.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Christmas came early for W.C. this year. Oh, speaking of Christmas/Solstice/Holiday celebrations, check out how you can make a Mountain Dew sody-can Christmas Tree!
Ain't it a beautiful thing, ya'll!? Ya'll best start drinking the Dew so you can be ready come December. W.C. will help if you need it.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Saturday, September 08, 2007
What were you trying to go for with this look? It is ostrich-inspired? Is the shoulder fur scented with pheromones to attract yourself a man-squatch?
You coulda looked 75% better with a nice wig or fake ponytail, and some purty black peep toe sandals. Why are you wearing booties???
OMG, it's the toes, isn't it? You forgot to get your toes did, didn't you? I bet you have some crusty, scraggly, unpedicured, stank feets up in those boots? Oh Snap.
Girl, how you gonna tell a bunch of America's Next Top Model wannabees how to dress themselves and pretend to be models, and you can't even get yourself ready for a par-tay!?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
And your brothers would miss you. Your nose may be shaped a bit weird, but WC thinks that gives you character, sort of like WC's big-giant feet.
If you want someone to hang out with, WC will totally keep you company.
We can draw mustaches on all photos of Kate Hudson. We can eat pints of Cherry Garcia and fly kites and look for 4 leaf clovers in the park. We can make our own suede moccasins, and create art works involving plaster casts of each others faces. We can roast hot dogs and marshmallows over a campfire.
We totally can be BFFs, now that WC is trying to put some distance between herself and BiBi Spears, so that WC don't get subpoenaed by K-Fed!
Be well, for realz.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Another great season, and only like 10 more months until the next season!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Exhibit A (courtesy of the above link):
WC has seen this dude with his bird. He carries it under his arm while he rides a bike on Lincoln. He shows it off to kids and grown-ups who inquire. Mr. Clucky even has a MySpace page, apparently.
Now, WC done grown up around chickens, has seen them go in the stew pot and the fryer, and has been attacked by several different hens and roosters over time.
WC knows chickens. Chickens are mean and STANK. This guy should have named his rooster McNugget.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Friday, August 03, 2007
You know why I lurrrve SYTYCD? Because that TV show's about DANCING, fools! WC lurrrves dancing more than Justin Timberlake. Much more!
If you have been watching SYTYCD, you know it is now down to only 6 dancers: Lauren, Danny, Sabra, Pasha, Niel, and Danny.
The two most recently booted dancers are Sara:
I felt that the right decision was made with regard to B-Girl Sara and B-Boy Dom. Both were fantastic little dancers, but they just got out-performed by the others in their all-around dancing. W.C. wishes them luck, and vehemently disputes that flirty-pants Dominic was actually kissing his dance partners during two different dance numbers, as claimed by 5 Dolla.
WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN? WC doesn't know, but suspects the next two to be eliminated will be Pasha the Russian, and Lauren.
Ya'll might think I am wasting my time, watching a television program like this, but really it's just a rigorous training program for when I try out.
Hey, Sabra's only been dancing for 4 years, and she got onto the show! W.C.'s been dancing a lot longer than that...
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Compare to WC: WC likes to DRANK. WC likes SUNGLASSES. WC likes to DANCE. WC Likes to CURSE. WC likes TACOS. WC got a WIG. WC is from the SOUTH. WC chews GUM. WC ain't got time for no KIDS. WC lurves JUSTIN. WC's flip flops STANK.
Did ya'll think that MAYBE the reason ya'll haven't heard from WC lately is because she is the new BFF of BiBi??? Well, it sure seems possible........
The TRUTH is that BiBi appears to be Single White Female-ing W.C.... The evidence speaks for itself. Feel free to point out additional evidence in the comments.
And REMEMBER: White Chocolate was DOING CRAZY while BIBI was still in the MICKEY MOUSE CLUB.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Ok, ok, ok. W.C. is sorry, everybody.
Ever since I got down here to Miami, I been a bit lax in writing. Can you blame me? Palm trees, bling, and champagne, baby! Of course, I can't afford the bling or the champagne, but I shore can crash somebody's par-tay, drink up all they drinks, eat up all they food, and wake up the next morning under a palm tree. And that's what's important in life, ya'll. For realz.
Plus, the hootchie whose computer I use and whose living room I crash in always take her laptop with her to "work" and I gotta sit around watching basic cable all day.
W.C. is SO SICK of Dr. Phil!
But, I'll get back to it a.s.a.p., you hear me? I still owe answers to two "Ask W.C." questions, and I will probably "live-blog" my favorite TV Show "So You Think You Can Dance" once they get down to the last 10 peeps, and If anybody wanna holla, I'll try to holla back at ya.
Can I just say one thing though about current events? Paris' ass went to jail! Paris' ass went to jail! Paris' ass went to jail! I would normally never mention that nasty girl, but it bears repeating, because W.C. takes care NEVER to drank and drive, or drive at all for that matter.
Designated Drivers, peoplez! Make other people drive your drunk ass around, and trust W.C., it'll be much more fun!
(End public service announcement)
Uhh... Happy Monday. Holla!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Well, good for Justin, but W.C. doesn't understand the name of JT's new label:
What does the TEN stand for? Ten fingers and ten toes? That's about average for most people, so it can't be that.
Perfect ten? OOh, that would be conceited!
Shouldn't it be something like SexyBack Recordings? I dunno. Help a girl out! We gotta get Justin on the right track!
You know what else this means? A pity-album for BiBi Spears! Woo hoo! I'ma get my dance on!
Friday, May 25, 2007
The all-time most popular search leading to W.C.'s blog is:
---"ghet-toes" and/or "ghet toes" (that's very expected, because W.C. loves pointing out people's ghet-toes!)
Some of the other ones you might find interesting include:
---"types of cheetos" (which is fitting, because W.C. knows EVERYTHING about cheetos).
---"ni's chocolate" (which W.C. doesn't understand at all).
---"mcconaughey gossiping" (which makes sense, because W.C. LOVES to gossip about hot mens).
---"kiddy tine nest" (which W.C. REALLY doesn't understand AT ALL, and if this means something nasty in another language, W.C. apologizes).
---"dominick centaur" (it only came up once, which W.C. thinks was just due to my friend of the same name checking out his searchability, which is totally legit... W.C. does that on a daily basis... but this is a fact that only D.C. himself can confirm or deny).
---"coleslaw wrestling 2007" (which----just wait until 2008, because W.C. wants to be all UP in that coleslaw to win the $500!!!, assuming a good wig can be found that won't come off during the greasy cabbage scrapping).
---"brazilian wax" (which unfortunately, WC knows waaay too much about... Ay ay ay!).
---"barefooted" (which is how W.C.'s friend BiBi Spears likes to be).
---"apopka hottest bitches" (which, it probably goes without saying, is W.C.'s MOST FAVORITIST SEARCH, EVER, BY A LONG SHOT!).
Ain't that something? Ain't the Internetz amazing?! Someone out there was looking for Apopka's hottest B's, and they found THE MOST HOTTEST ONE!
Your search is over, Mr. or Mrs. Internet-User! Your search is over.
Matt Damon's all "Dude, George, I woulda loaned you money if I had known you were hard up, buddy."
The brown headed hootchie kissing my man is all like "alrhlahalahalha" with her tongue. Eww.
The nice blonde lady with the green dress is like, "Heeeeeey, baby? What you give me for one million dollars?"
And George is like, "Arrrgh! I think the reflections of your chartreuse sequins gave me migrane headache! What a friggen' shame. Let me get back to you on that." (LOL, just kidding, Ellen Barkin but damn that's a shiny dress).
YO GEORGE! W.C. gots three-fitty for you!
Three dollas and fifty cents, that is. For that amount, will you at least wave at me from across the room???
Thursday, May 24, 2007
W.C. will get on to that task, but in the meantime, here is a camera-phone pic taken on beeyootiful South Beach:
LAWD! You know it gets HOT down here, right? You know it's seriously tropical in these here parts of the United States. Well how the HELL you gonna put your STANK shoes up in the back window of your car?
You know the sun is gonna heat them up, and release a cloud of FOOT FUNK in your auto!
Even if you are homeless, and living out of your car (which sometimes happens in SoBe), please put those shoes in the trunk, baby!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
THEM FEET GOTS TO GO! And I know my friend DWC ain't gonna be happy that I am back on feet, but day-um... "Ms. AU" sent these via the email, and WC couldn't possibly pass up the chance to comment.
Since WC seen these toes, all I can think of is MC Hammer, Hammer-time, Det. Mike Hammer from Sledgehammer, and a Ham-and-Cheese Sammich with some CORN chips (but that one is just because WC is hongry).
Katie! GURL, have your man go get you some Dr. Scholl's! You are too purty to have them STANK TOES.
WWDT?! (WHAT WOULD DAWSON THINK?)
Saturday, May 05, 2007
You watch America's Next Top Model? Cause my girl Dionne was wearing a top like that a few weeks back and she like to have gotten herself thrown off the show! Is that why you look sad, girl? Don't worry, Dionne got herself together, and you can too.
I know you still got that Louisiana Mall Mentality, and being from modest means I can feel you on that, but you got money now! That's why you signed that pre-nup! Shop like you got some real money in your pocket once in a while!
We got a saying where I am from: "GIRL, SOMEBODY DONE LIED TO YOU."
Get thee to Rodeo Drive, and go with someone who will TELL YOU THE TRUTH. Better yet, come down to Miami and go shopping at the Macy's at Dadeland. There's one real sweet Cuban sales lady who works up in the DKNY department or thereabouts, and she WILL tell you how it is. She says: "Oh no, baby. I don like thees ones for you" and will bring you something much purtyer to try on, and THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.
Don't be trying to fool WC now---*I* can tell the difference between Gucci and Fucchi.
Friday, April 27, 2007
WC RESPONDS: OOH LAWD. Black Vanilla, I know that's you writing. But even if I hadn't already seen your myspace pics, I would KNOW you must be one HAIRY BITCH! You would not be writing if you weren't as hairy as a damn SASQUATCH!
Girl! Throw that Nair out! Call in the big guns! You ever tried waxing? It hurts like hell, but it don't grow back so fast as the Nair'd hairs do.
Let me warn you though: WC went to a FANCY joint here in Miami Beach to get my hootchie cootchie waxed. Down here they call it a Brazilian, and let me tell you, they go ALL the way from Canada to Brazil. Once I left, I felt like I pretty much just had a thespian experience. Those ladies get right comfortable with your kibbles and bits! But wouldn't you know it? I went and showed my manfolk how I had done got a wax, and he told me how he prefers a hairy Sasquatch woman! He left me and my Uncle Fester... and went and found a hippie chick:
Can you believe that? Some mens just like hur. So first, maybe you ought to ask your boyfriend Artel what he like. Maybe he like a little TEXTURE in that region!
But then, if it turn out he like it smooth, make HIS ASS pay for it. AND while your at it, make his ass buy you a 40 before you go in there.... ...or a derned roofie... because OOOOOOH LAWD. All W.C. is saying, it's best your ass be drunk before, during, and after it happens.
Good luck & let me know how it go!
P.S... To anybody else who wanna write WC, I won't out your name if you don't want me to. But I figured Black Vanilla wouldn't mind, and she didn't say she didn't wanna be shouted out.
P.P.S.. I'ma gonna get my drank on tonight! C-Ya!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Dear WC: I may have a stalker. Any suggestions?
--T.G., Miami Beach, FL
WC RESPONDS: Okay Mr. or Miss T.G.... First off, W.C. is gonna assume that the stalker is STANK. If he/she weren't STANK, you would not be writing to W.C. about it.
[For example, W.C. would not mind being stalked by either Daniel Craig, or Justin Timberlake (they are welcome to take the hint, you know, in case they happen to be reading). However, nobody likes a STANK stalker.]
This person probably has too much time on their hands. You need to make sure they are busy, VERY BUSY, but without getting directly involved. W.C. has the solution. Why not pay a crackhead to stalk your stalker for you? The right crackhead can be energetic and productive! For a very low price, you can entice a crackhead to safely and effectively annoy the hell out of your Stank Stalker: Dead flowers on the doorstep. Hundreds of emails. Hundreds of letters. Anything you want! The only limit is your imagination.
The only challenges are: (1) keeping your crackhead on task; and (2) paying them in small enough increments so that they don't run off with the yeyo before getting the job done.
ALSO, if you are gonna let the crackhead box up items to send to the S.S., be sure to pre-stamp letters and packages, and tape over it. Otherwise the crackhead may peel off the stamps and try to re-sell them.
ALSO, if you let them use a computer, it should be bolted down. EVERYTHING should be bolted down. If you follow these suggestions, your Stank Stalker will be up to his/her gills in emails and letters, and waaaay too distracted to bother you. In fact, he/she may enjoy the advances.
Once the crackhead runs off with all your pencils and pens and stops sending any email, your S.S. will be really bothered, and will miss all of the attention. He/she will then direct their attention to renewing contact with the crackhead, who won't mind a bit, because he/she will be chilling under a palm tree in Barnett Park in Orlando with a couple a dimes!
P.S. Crack is wack! Don't do crack kids!
P.P.S., My girl 5 Dolla got a job now, so she ain't up for hire, but she probably knows somebody:
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
FIRST, how you gonna wear a hat that is from 10 years ago?
THEN, how you gonna wear it over top of a busted-ass wig?
THEN, how you gonna let your nip hang out all over the place?
ALSO, BiBi, is that a purple bra-strap hanging off your shoulder?
ALSO, where your purty grill went?
ALSO, where them babies at?
LAWD. WC is plumb tired out from this girl. 5 Dolla said she has been reading up on BiBi this week, and that girl done got an entire extra baby worth of fat lipo-sucked from herself. Good for you, BiBi! Suck out ALL them Cheetos!
ALSO, BiBi has been dancing again (practicing her moves!), AND she been dranking the booze again. Sounds like she's on the WC path to happiness and enlightenment!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
WOO HOO! These are lace-up HORSE BOOTS, sent in the email via a dude who is appropriately called Shoe. Thanks, Shoe (shout-out from W.C.)!
These boots would make W.C. taller than a drag queen! And not only that, but they look good for stomping around with, especially up in the club where W.C. would be able to see over the heads of EVERYBODY.
And it would be good for one of W.C.'s fave dance moves, called "The Horse"... The Horse can be described such-like: Think Elaine Benes, mixed with Marky Mark, mixed with a Vanilla Ice running man, with a little MC Hammer thrown in.
Friday, April 13, 2007
OOH LAWD! W.C.'s previously commented about some similarly styled toes. Here is the encore presentation, in case you already forgot:
Girls, these toes WILL get stomped on up in the club. You best watch out!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
But DAWG! The fact that a Mickey-D's french fried tater-holder with BOTH Baby BiBi and Baby J.T. on it still exists boggles W.C.'s mind! And it's available for sale on eBay?! That is cuh-ray-zay!
W.C.'s fry containers usually get all greasy and sqashed right off the bat. Or, sometimes I fold down the top, to save some fries in my purse for later. Mmm mmm... add some fresh salt and ketchup to those cold taters, and they are as good as new, and perfect when W.C. is hongry after a night of par-taying.
The point is, this tater-holder is a rare find. Go ahead and spring for the 5 bucks (it's that much, because of $3.95 shipping) and BUY THIS THING. In 20 years, you'll totally be able to get your money back, plus at LEAST a dollar or so more.
Investment strategy, W.C. style!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
There is a phone named after W.C.! Check it out: IF W.C. had a phone, this would be the phone. Unfortunately, neither that nerd-dude from Verizon, nor the LG company has yet seen fit to hook a bitch up!
Until then, W.C. will continue to use her pager from fricken 1992:
...and call people back from the parking lot at 7-11. That is NOT fabulous, people. Therefore, if anybody gots a connection at the phone company, let W.C. know.
Also, if the phone comes with those little stick-on sparkle-blingz, even better!
You KNOW what W.C. likes, Babies!