All My Chirrun

W.C. was up in the Seffner Wal-Mart on Easter Sunday.

(By the way, have you HAD dark-chocolate covered Peeps yet? And if not, why not? Careful, Chocolate Covered Peeps are not to be confused with "Chocolate Dipped Peeps" which is just a regular-old nasty Peep with its toes dipped in chocolate. Regular-old Peeps make WC's teeth hurt from all the crunchy dye-flavored sugar, but there is something tantalizing about Chocolate Covered Peeps. Also, have you ever tried to see how many regular Peeps fit in your mouth? If so, how many was it?).

Anyway, this girl up in the Wal-mart was SO COUNTRY, and talking so LOUD on her mobile phone, so W.C. clearly overheard her talking on the phone about "ALL MY CHIRRUN"....

W.C. doesn't know whether she was talking about the television show, or about all her kids, but....

CHIRRUN!!!!!

Christina Aguilera, get your hair did!

So, WC has to comment on the fact that Christina a/k/a "X-tina" a/k/a "TiTi" Aguilera sang the national anthem at the Super Bowl.

Everyone is saying she "forgot" the words, or she "mistakenly" sang the words messed-up.

WRONG! W.C. is pretty sure that TiTi sang that song wrong on PURPOSE because she was trying to distract everyone's attention from that STANK, stringy, old-baby-doll-haired wig!

OK, OK, wait a second. Yes, you are correct if you are to say that W.C. has a busted wig... But guess what? W.C. ain't got no J-O-B! On the other hand, TiTi does have a job, even if she is spending all her money on donuts.

That hair looks like TiTi found it at the bottom of the old "Clearance Hair Bin" at Beauty Depot (the one in Pine Hills that used to be a Publix, which is next to "J-Mart" that used to be K-Mart that used to be Zayre):

TiTi---get your hair off the regular wig-heads, and skip the bargin bin---take care of your hair girl, be it real, or be it fake!

Stank Face

Lindsay done got herself a jail sentence, and just look at the STANK FACE she had on while in court today:

GURL! You are one hot mess:

showing off your nethers to the world

crashing par-tays

stealing peoples' stuff (so the rumors go)

showing up late for work

gettin your drank on while driving..... and more importantly, after getting busted multiple times, you didn't learn any kind of lesson, or even try to make it to all your drinkin classes!!! That Judge gave you a bunch of chances. You NEEDED to get served!

Miss Ho-Han, all that adds up to some serious STANKNESS. You KNOW you're stank when WC wouldn't even consider going to a par-tay with you. You give partying a bad name!

One thing WC really wants to know is, couldn't you afford a derned LIMOUSINE? Lawd!

All that being said, if you decide to go all BiBi Spears and shave off your hair, WC will go wig shopping with you!

Another Imposter???

This weekend, W.C. went to Starbucks to stock up on cheese danish samples, free brown napkins, free Splenda packets, etc., when WHAT DID SHE SPY WITH HER LITTLE EYE?

This!

THIS!!!
LAWD!!! Yes, that's right folks. It's a big, huge White Chocolate Impersonator! W.C. wishes she coulda got a picture of this hootchie's face, but it was too difficult from her vantage point, hiding behind the Half & Half at the coffee-fixins counter.

Also, W.C. woulda confronted her, but that was one huge bitch! In FLAT SHOES,The Imposter was well over six feet tall, and W.C. was wearing flip flops, so W.C. was only a moderately huge bitch. You cain't be gettin in no fights wearing no flip flops.

One thing that disturbs W.C.? This Imposter was NOT wearing a WIG. That is her everyday hur, not just her going-out hur! Does that make W.C. The Imposter?!?!?! Oh snap!

This could be the hootchie who stole them Fritos and got W.C. throwed in the jailhouse!!!

BiBi's Daddy Got Her Money

OOh, Child... BiBi, look what you went and did by not listening to White Chocolate. You got your daddy in control of all your stuff, and K-Diddy got them kids.

Now, THAT second thang about the kids ain't so bad. After all, who really wants to do more than VISIT with kids? Besides, like, people who live in the 'burbs. Let K-Diddy do all the heavy lifting.

But what about your MONEY? IF you had listened to W.C., we could be out, get our hair done, and our nails did, going dranking, dancing, going on multi-hundred dollar shopping sprees at Wal-Mart or whatever your favorite store is, and eating as many derned "Cheetos" as we want.

I heard your daddy is paying himself multiple thousands per month. W.C. will do the job for half what he's making. Let me holla at your judge!

W.C.'s - Style O' the Week #12 - Nails Did!

White Chocolate is always ALL UP in the Internetz, and sometimes she finds some interesting stuff. Case in point:This is a photo of a chick called Coko from the old school singin' group SWV. Sadly, W.C. don't remember them.

Anyhow, W.C. stole the photo and caption from one of W.C.'s favorite bloggers, Rich of FourFour. Here is the link to his blog, which should knock your socks off, if you have ever watched ANTM, or ProjRun, or if you like cats or dance music.

Anyhow, just LOOK at them nails! That takes work, seriously! W.C. would get them all tangled in her hair in no time!

BloBi and BruBi, the Wonder Twins

Everybody be asking: "Hey, WC, why are you not talking about BiBi's crazy antics?" Well, WC has been on a spiritual journey of her own. No, I won't go into details, but it involved cheetos, a case of canned sparkling wine, and a wave-runner.

It seems to WC that BiBi has at least two personalities. There is Blonde BiBi (BloBi) and Brunette BiBi (BruBi). Each one gets into their own different messes.

BruBi commits a hit-and-run, while the next day across town, BloBi is dropping a baby on it's poor little soft head. BruBi shaves her head, while BloBi "performs" for the VMA's.
Neither of these two wonder-hootchies realize that it's the year 2007, on planet Earth, or that it's generally considered unseemly to smoke crack naked in front of one's babies.
Ya'll, W.C. just got back from a Cheetos-and-canned-wine-spiritual-sabbatical, and even W.C. understands these life lessons.

And the OTHER thing W.C. knows:

BIBI IS STILL COPYING W.C....

Did you all KNOW that W.C. has an alter ego??? Shocking, I know. But yes, it's true. And now you know.

BiBi Spears Still Copying W.C.'s Style

Uh huh. Girl, you are busted.

Here is the evidence that you are still trying to copy W.C.:

1) Rumors are flying that you didn't want your hair to be blonde for the VMA's. You wanted to get your hair did dark. Your "people" made you go blonde. You know you love W.C's dark n' lovely locks.

2) You got your DRINK on right before dancing. A classic W.C. move.

3) You eschewed the wardrobe choice of your handlers, who wanted to cover up your chunk. Instead, you chose to let it all hang out, with lots of bling. Again, a classic W.C. move.

4) The song you did was "Gimme More" which W.C. says all the time, especially when talking about Nachos, Hot Dogs, or Champagne.

5) BiBi, do you NEED any more comparisons? Girl, wake up! You do your thang, and let W.C. along do her own thing! We gotta deal? Don't make us break down all of the dance moves you done STOLE from W.C. during your "performance"...

Tyra Needs A Stylist, or Else She's Looking for a Man-Sasquatch

Oh Lawd! Tyra Banks, you need to stop yourself:


What were you trying to go for with this look? It is ostrich-inspired? Is the shoulder fur scented with pheromones to attract yourself a man-squatch?

You coulda looked 75% better with a nice wig or fake ponytail, and some purty black peep toe sandals. Why are you wearing booties???

OMG, it's the toes, isn't it? You forgot to get your toes did, didn't you? I bet you have some crusty, scraggly, unpedicured, stank feets up in those boots? Oh Snap.

Girl, how you gonna tell a bunch of America's Next Top Model wannabees how to dress themselves and pretend to be models, and you can't even get yourself ready for a par-tay!?

The Truth Comes Out: BiBi and W.C. --- Separated at Birth???

10 reasons to be suspicious: BiBi likes to DRANK. BiBi likes SUNGLASSES. BiBi likes to DANCE. BiBi Likes to CURSE. BiBi likes TACOS. BiBi got a WIG. BiBi chews GUM. BiBi ain't got time for no KIDS. BiBi lurves JUSTIN. BiBi's flip flops STANK.
Compare to WC: WC likes to DRANK. WC likes SUNGLASSES. WC likes to DANCE. WC Likes to CURSE. WC likes TACOS. WC got a WIG. WC is from the SOUTH. WC chews GUM. WC ain't got time for no KIDS. WC lurves JUSTIN. WC's flip flops STANK.
Did ya'll think that MAYBE the reason ya'll haven't heard from WC lately is because she is the new BFF of BiBi??? Well, it sure seems possible........

But no.

The TRUTH is that BiBi appears to be Single White Female-ing W.C.... The evidence speaks for itself. Feel free to point out additional evidence in the comments.

And REMEMBER: White Chocolate was DOING CRAZY while BIBI was still in the MICKEY MOUSE CLUB.

George Clooney is a man-ho.

George Clooney is a man-ho! This news is a bit old, but bears repeating. G.C. kissed a woman cause her man paid George $350,000! LAWD, that is a bundle of clams!

Matt Damon's all "Dude, George, I woulda loaned you money if I had known you were hard up, buddy."

The brown headed hootchie kissing my man is all like "alrhlahalahalha" with her tongue. Eww.

The nice blonde lady with the green dress is like, "Heeeeeey, baby? What you give me for one million dollars?"

And George is like, "Arrrgh! I think the reflections of your chartreuse sequins gave me migrane headache! What a friggen' shame. Let me get back to you on that." (LOL, just kidding, Ellen Barkin but damn that's a shiny dress).

YO GEORGE! W.C. gots three-fitty for you!

Three dollas and fifty cents, that is. For that amount, will you at least wave at me from across the room???

BiBi Off or On Wagon? W.C. Confused.

Oh, BiBi. WC gots more questions than answers today.

FIRST, how you gonna wear a hat that is from 10 years ago?

THEN, how you gonna wear it over top of a busted-ass wig?

THEN, how you gonna let your nip hang out all over the place?

ALSO, BiBi, is that a purple bra-strap hanging off your shoulder?

ALSO, where your purty grill went?

ALSO, where them babies at?

LAWD. WC is plumb tired out from this girl. 5 Dolla said she has been reading up on BiBi this week, and that girl done got an entire extra baby worth of fat lipo-sucked from herself. Good for you, BiBi! Suck out ALL them Cheetos!

ALSO, BiBi has been dancing again (practicing her moves!), AND she been dranking the booze again. Sounds like she's on the WC path to happiness and enlightenment!

BiBi Spears is still a mess...

W.C. found this pic of BiBi and just had to say something, and thankfully somebody had already blacked out BiBi's bibi, which you can see because she done forgot her underwearz again!
Dear BiBi,

Nice wig, nice purse. The jury is out on those velvet bike shorts, but at least you ain't gonna flash your hootchie-cootchie. As for your STAINED-ASS SHIRT:

QUESTION: Why the HELL do you think White Chocolate wears BLACK to every par-tay?

ANSWER: W.C. wears black because nobody can see the food and drank that you spill all over yourself when your ass gets drunk and hongry. As long as you don't have dandruff (those lights in the club WILL show dandruff and other skurry types of stains), then wearing black is ALWAYS the way to go. Especially for hongry and thirsty girls like you and me.

At LEAST you weren't drinking red wine. Also, when you know the cameras are following you, why not just stay in your seat at the restaurant until that stain dries?!

Unless that's grease. DOH.

J.D. = crazier than W.C.!

When W.C. goes out on the town, some folks say: "Hey W.C.... You CRAY-ZEE!"

And yes, W.C. can get into a groove, and get downright FUNKY. But W.C. always says "there are PLENTY of people crazier than W.C." in the partying department.

Case in point:
LAWD, Janice Dickenson! W.C. can see your drawers!

J.D. is fabulous, though. She's gonna be 75 one day, and will still find a way to Botox her way to looking exactly like she does in this picture.

Q: In hand-to-hand combat between Tyra Banks and J.D., who would win?

Never mind, girl.

Dear BiBi: I just read the news. Forget I said anything about trying to get you and Justin Timberlake back together. When I wrote that the time was ripe for you to leap into action to get Justin's attention, I didn't mean you should do THIS:

Ooh, LAWD! Girl, first of all: You are looking craygee, and it ain't even The Baldness. It's your eyes. You are shooting crazy bullets out of them eyes.

Second of all: How you gonna copy MY style, with your new wig, and wearing shiny glasses at night, and dancing on tables and drinking beverages with alcohol in them until your nose turns red, sneaking out of rehab, walking around barefooted, and hitting peoples' cars with umbrellas? That's MY thing. You are stomping your crusty feets on MY territory. You are just like this girl "Black Vanilla" that I know, who lives in a trailer with Ni Ni's ex-BF Artel in Apopka, who is constantly copying everything I do.

Third of all: W.C. aimed a little high by saying we could get you back with JT. Girl, do you WANT you a man? It isn't required, of course. For example, W.C. has been single and happy since the beginning of time, besides deep-meaningful-relationships-from-afar with several celebrity boyfriends. However, IF you do want yourself a BoyFriend (OR a GF?) then W.C. suggests aiming a little lower.

Stanky Federline MIGHT be a candidate given your history together, although --- W.C. is shocked at saying this --- Stank-Fed might be a little above your league at this point....

Final point: Did u adopt your kids over to Angelina J. and Brad P.? Maybe you should consider it! Heck, even W.C. would do a better job looking after them babies at this point.

What has the world come to?

Oooh, Britney! Not again, Girl!

Girl! I was checking out one of the gossip blogs I read, and I saw something that like to have made me slack-jawed in disbelief. GIRL. Well yes, I know you done showed your hootchie cootchie a coupla times. But THAT is NOT what I am talking about. Rather, the thing that bothers W.C. is THIS:


GIRL, it looks to me like you done left that TAG IN YOUR DRESS. Oh. My. Goodness.

PLEASE don't tell me you gonna return it later, except I already know that is the ONLY reason somebody gonna leave a tag in a dress. I KNOW it ain't comfortable having that stiff tag rubbing against you, and I KNOW you can FEEL it, girl. Well, W.C. can sure SEE it. And if W.C. can see it, JUSTIN CAN SEE IT. AND IF JUSTIN CAN SEE IT, HOPE MAY BE LOST.

Sure, W.C. has maybe left a tag in a purty blouse or something, once or twice, and then took it back to the West Oaks Mall (Magik Mall don't take NOTHING back!)... assuming I didn't get too much STANK on it (although Febreeze was invented for a reason). But while that is something W.C. can get away with, you cain't! Plus, W.C. ain't got no paycheck and everybody know you got money, so what is going through your head!? You frustrate me, Girl.

You BEST be glad I won't forward this to JT to gain a competitive advantage over your stank barefoot self. But deep down, W.C. believes in true love, and what says true love MORE than those matching head-to-toe denim outfits you and JT wore that one time? Remember that?! That was special, and worth saving. Together we can make that happen again, Girl!

First step: Cut out them tags. OWN that dress, Girl!

IMPOSTER!!!

Can you believe it??? An imposter, a pretender, a fake, a phony has played an awful trick on poor W.C.! SOMEBODY done put on W.C.'s wig, glasses, goat-hair collar, and then sent W.C. the taunting photographs, to document the VIOLATION!

The savvy perpetrator even used W.C.'s very own "tongue-stuck-out" move, LAWD! Do not let the clever pose fool you. This is not W.C.! This ain't W.C. either, although this is kinda how I look at myself in the mirror after I get my hair did:
W.C. would NEVER do this pose:
This just ain't fair, yo. W.C. feels so violated! Clearly the imposter had an accomplice. Anybody with TIPS on the identity of the imposter, you lemmeknow. Anonymous tips are OK, but you better *67 my ass, because I got caller I.D., bitches! I already have my suspicions, so certain "persons of interest" might wanna be careful at Thanksgiving this year, and watch they backs... Because they just MIGHT get a turkey leg up-side the head! To hell with The People's Court, that's what we call STREET JUSTICE!

Letter to Britney

GIRL! This is W.C., Baby. I got LOTS to talk to you about. We got something in common girl, 'cause we both LOVE that man J.T., and sadly, both of us lost him.... You may not know this, but I lost him to my homegirl 5 Dolla, who made out with him when he was the tender age of 15... So that means I got a soft spot for you since neither of us can have him, at least whiles he gots that blonde GF.............

Anyway, moving on to the issue of the moment, HOW THE HELL you gonna dress like that, Girl?

FIRST: The cardinal rule of letting your thong hang the hell out of your jeans is that the thing best be sparkly, or make some kind of STATEMENT, other than: "Owww! Damn, I am getting streched the hell out, and it sho' stank in here!"

SECOND, your top and bra combination look like it ought to be on some drunk-ass lady wantin' a hot dog at 3:31 a.m. at the 24 Hour Wal-Mart in Apopka... Girl, you got money in your bank account! If you wanna wear a bra, go to the mall, and they got something called a "halter bra".... but we both know you got yourself some fake tay-tahs anyway, and don't *need* a bra, so wassup with that look? Seriously, Girl.

And THIRD, the worst of all, why the hell you didn't get your hair did before you left the house? All I ever see is your greasy roots, and stringy, multi-color highlights all balled up on yo' head. Assuming K-Fed ain't spent all your money on cheetos, you best be taking better care of yourself. Go get your corns shaved down, and your hair did (and Girl, I know where you can get a nice, purty wig if you don't wanna be fixin your hair all the time) . Then, go shopping at a NICE store. Take me with you, and you can buy me something glittery in exchange for the fashion advice!

Besides the fashion advice, I gotta ask you: Why the hell you gotta be dropping that baby all over the damned place? If you wanna take him with you all over tarnation, you can get yourself a backpack and strap the baby to yourself. Strap him in good! And Honey---this will be my final word of advice for today---be a smart girl and pour your gin and tonic into an Evian water bottle so folks can't point and laugh at your effin highball glass. Listen to W.C.! We'll get you back on track in no time.