Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Letter to Britney

GIRL! This is W.C., Baby. I got LOTS to talk to you about. We got something in common girl, 'cause we both LOVE that man J.T., and sadly, both of us lost him.... You may not know this, but I lost him to my homegirl 5 Dolla, who made out with him when he was the tender age of 15... So that means I got a soft spot for you since neither of us can have him, at least whiles he gots that blonde GF.............

Anyway, moving on to the issue of the moment, HOW THE HELL you gonna dress like that, Girl?

FIRST: The cardinal rule of letting your thong hang the hell out of your jeans is that the thing best be sparkly, or make some kind of STATEMENT, other than: "Owww! Damn, I am getting streched the hell out, and it sho' stank in here!"

SECOND, your top and bra combination look like it ought to be on some drunk-ass lady wantin' a hot dog at 3:31 a.m. at the 24 Hour Wal-Mart in Apopka... Girl, you got money in your bank account! If you wanna wear a bra, go to the mall, and they got something called a "halter bra".... but we both know you got yourself some fake tay-tahs anyway, and don't *need* a bra, so wassup with that look? Seriously, Girl.

And THIRD, the worst of all, why the hell you didn't get your hair did before you left the house? All I ever see is your greasy roots, and stringy, multi-color highlights all balled up on yo' head. Assuming K-Fed ain't spent all your money on cheetos, you best be taking better care of yourself. Go get your corns shaved down, and your hair did (and Girl, I know where you can get a nice, purty wig if you don't wanna be fixin your hair all the time) . Then, go shopping at a NICE store. Take me with you, and you can buy me something glittery in exchange for the fashion advice!

Besides the fashion advice, I gotta ask you: Why the hell you gotta be dropping that baby all over the damned place? If you wanna take him with you all over tarnation, you can get yourself a backpack and strap the baby to yourself. Strap him in good! And Honey---this will be my final word of advice for today---be a smart girl and pour your gin and tonic into an Evian water bottle so folks can't point and laugh at your effin highball glass. Listen to W.C.! We'll get you back on track in no time.

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