Friday, April 27, 2007

Holla at WC: Question from Black Vanilla

***"Holla at W.C." is a (new) feature of W.C.'s Blog, which shall serve as a forum in which W.C. can help you in the journey of life. You have questions. W.C. ALWAYS has an answer.***

Dear WC:
Ware culd I find some good hare reemoovin creem? I been usin this Nair stuff an it jus give me the wors rash. Lordy! This uther nite when I were expecting Artel to come over to spen tha nite, I naired down in my cooch and then alla sudden got this awful fearsom itch. turn out it were a aylurjick reyakshun! Now i gotta find sumthin uther than Nair. Any Sujessjuns?
Yur Frend,

WC RESPONDS: OOH LAWD. Black Vanilla, I know that's you writing. But even if I hadn't already seen your myspace pics, I would KNOW you must be one HAIRY BITCH! You would not be writing if you weren't as hairy as a damn SASQUATCH!
Girl! Throw that Nair out! Call in the big guns! You ever tried waxing? It hurts like hell, but it don't grow back so fast as the Nair'd hairs do.

Let me warn you though: WC went to a FANCY joint here in Miami Beach to get my hootchie cootchie waxed. Down here they call it a Brazilian, and let me tell you, they go ALL the way from Canada to Brazil. Once I left, I felt like I pretty much just had a thespian experience. Those ladies get right comfortable with your kibbles and bits! But wouldn't you know it? I went and showed my manfolk how I had done got a wax, and he told me how he prefers a hairy Sasquatch woman! He left me and my Uncle Fester... and went and found a hippie chick:
Can you believe that? Some mens just like hur. So first, maybe you ought to ask your boyfriend Artel what he like. Maybe he like a little TEXTURE in that region!
But then, if it turn out he like it smooth, make HIS ASS pay for it. AND while your at it, make his ass buy you a 40 before you go in there.... ...or a derned roofie... because OOOOOOH LAWD. All W.C. is saying, it's best your ass be drunk before, during, and after it happens.

Good luck & let me know how it go!

White Chocolate

P.S... To anybody else who wanna write WC, I won't out your name if you don't want me to. But I figured Black Vanilla wouldn't mind, and she didn't say she didn't wanna be shouted out.

P.P.S.. I'ma gonna get my drank on tonight! C-Ya!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Holla at W.C.

***"Holla at W.C." is a (new) feature of W.C.'s Blog, which shall serve as a forum in which W.C. can help you in the journey of life. You have questions. W.C. ALWAYS has an answer.***

Dear WC: I may have a stalker. Any suggestions?

--T.G., Miami Beach, FL

WC RESPONDS: Okay Mr. or Miss T.G.... First off, W.C. is gonna assume that the stalker is STANK. If he/she weren't STANK, you would not be writing to W.C. about it.

[For example, W.C. would not mind being stalked by either Daniel Craig, or Justin Timberlake (they are welcome to take the hint, you know, in case they happen to be reading). However, nobody likes a STANK stalker.]

This person probably has too much time on their hands. You need to make sure they are busy, VERY BUSY, but without getting directly involved. W.C. has the solution. Why not pay a crackhead to stalk your stalker for you? The right crackhead can be energetic and productive! For a very low price, you can entice a crackhead to safely and effectively annoy the hell out of your Stank Stalker: Dead flowers on the doorstep. Hundreds of emails. Hundreds of letters. Anything you want! The only limit is your imagination.

The only challenges are: (1) keeping your crackhead on task; and (2) paying them in small enough increments so that they don't run off with the yeyo before getting the job done.
ALSO, if you are gonna let the crackhead box up items to send to the S.S., be sure to pre-stamp letters and packages, and tape over it. Otherwise the crackhead may peel off the stamps and try to re-sell them.

ALSO, if you let them use a computer, it should be bolted down. EVERYTHING should be bolted down. If you follow these suggestions, your Stank Stalker will be up to his/her gills in emails and letters, and waaaay too distracted to bother you. In fact, he/she may enjoy the advances.

Once the crackhead runs off with all your pencils and pens and stops sending any email, your S.S. will be really bothered, and will miss all of the attention. He/she will then direct their attention to renewing contact with the crackhead, who won't mind a bit, because he/she will be chilling under a palm tree in Barnett Park in Orlando with a couple a dimes!

Problem solved!

White Chocolate

P.S. Crack is wack! Don't do crack kids!

P.P.S., My girl 5 Dolla got a job now, so she ain't up for hire, but she probably knows somebody:

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

BiBi Off or On Wagon? W.C. Confused.

Oh, BiBi. WC gots more questions than answers today.

FIRST, how you gonna wear a hat that is from 10 years ago?

THEN, how you gonna wear it over top of a busted-ass wig?

THEN, how you gonna let your nip hang out all over the place?

ALSO, BiBi, is that a purple bra-strap hanging off your shoulder?

ALSO, where your purty grill went?

ALSO, where them babies at?

LAWD. WC is plumb tired out from this girl. 5 Dolla said she has been reading up on BiBi this week, and that girl done got an entire extra baby worth of fat lipo-sucked from herself. Good for you, BiBi! Suck out ALL them Cheetos!

ALSO, BiBi has been dancing again (practicing her moves!), AND she been dranking the booze again. Sounds like she's on the WC path to happiness and enlightenment!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

WC's Style of the Week, #11

If you have ever seen shoes like this before, W.C. will give you a dolla.

Or ... a nickel.

Ummm... well... actually, W.C. ain't got a wallet or pockets at the moment... so IF you've seen shoes like this before, W.C. will just give you a slap on your behind. Like in football.

On to the shoes:

WOO HOO! These are lace-up HORSE BOOTS, sent in the email via a dude who is appropriately called Shoe. Thanks, Shoe (shout-out from W.C.)!

These boots would make W.C. taller than a drag queen! And not only that, but they look good for stomping around with, especially up in the club where W.C. would be able to see over the heads of EVERYBODY.

And it would be good for one of W.C.'s fave dance moves, called "The Horse"... The Horse can be described such-like: Think Elaine Benes, mixed with Marky Mark, mixed with a Vanilla Ice running man, with a little MC Hammer thrown in.

More later...

Friday, April 13, 2007

WC's Style O' the Week, #10

Some people done found even purtier toes than W.C. had found last time! Here is the picture:

OOH LAWD! W.C.'s previously commented about some similarly styled toes. Here is the encore presentation, in case you already forgot:

Girls, these toes WILL get stomped on up in the club. You best watch out!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Stuff Ya'll Can Buy (for W.C.)

OK, OK... ya'll don't really NEED to buy this for W.C.:

But DAWG! The fact that a Mickey-D's french fried tater-holder with BOTH Baby BiBi and Baby J.T. on it still exists boggles W.C.'s mind! And it's available for sale on eBay?! That is cuh-ray-zay!

W.C.'s fry containers usually get all greasy and sqashed right off the bat. Or, sometimes I fold down the top, to save some fries in my purse for later. Mmm mmm... add some fresh salt and ketchup to those cold taters, and they are as good as new, and perfect when W.C. is hongry after a night of par-taying.

The point is, this tater-holder is a rare find. Go ahead and spring for the 5 bucks (it's that much, because of $3.95 shipping) and BUY THIS THING. In 20 years, you'll totally be able to get your money back, plus at LEAST a dollar or so more.

Investment strategy, W.C. style!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Can U Hear W.C. Now?

Yet ANOTHER piece of evidence that (1) W.C. is a trend-setter and (2) everybody loves W.C....

There is a phone named after W.C.! Check it out: IF W.C. had a phone, this would be the phone. Unfortunately, neither that nerd-dude from Verizon, nor the LG company has yet seen fit to hook a bitch up!

Until then, W.C. will continue to use her pager from fricken 1992:
...and call people back from the parking lot at 7-11. That is NOT fabulous, people. Therefore, if anybody gots a connection at the phone company, let W.C. know.

Also, if the phone comes with those little stick-on sparkle-blingz, even better!
You KNOW what W.C. likes, Babies!

Monday, April 09, 2007

Post-Easter Greetings, and Style of the Week, #9

W.C. LOVES when people go out of their way to be festive. This Style of the Week (and a big shout-out to my dawg MiMo for emailing) is dedicated to a lady who really put a lot into her Easter hairdo: Are you puzzled, reader? Are you thinking "well, that lady's hair sure looks purty, and the style contains hints of a lovely pastel spring theme, but WHERE do you get EASTER out of this hairdo, W.C.?"

Well, let W.C. continue:


EGGS! Grass! Basket Handle!

The Easter Bunny would be proud... not that W.C. cares what the Easter Bunny thinks, because he didn't bring so much as ONE PEEP nor CADBURY EGG for W.C. this year. Good thing they are 1/2 off at Walgreens now! The only happier day in all the year is February 15th. WC's gotta go get her sugar-buzz on... C-ya!

Friday, April 06, 2007

BiBi with a "Real" Grill

These people done did what 5 Dolla was tryin' to do! 5 Dolla, you just got SERVED! Lookie here:

Ta da!


BiBi Spears is still a mess...

W.C. found this pic of BiBi and just had to say something, and thankfully somebody had already blacked out BiBi's bibi, which you can see because she done forgot her underwearz again!
Dear BiBi,

Nice wig, nice purse. The jury is out on those velvet bike shorts, but at least you ain't gonna flash your hootchie-cootchie. As for your STAINED-ASS SHIRT:

QUESTION: Why the HELL do you think White Chocolate wears BLACK to every par-tay?

ANSWER: W.C. wears black because nobody can see the food and drank that you spill all over yourself when your ass gets drunk and hongry. As long as you don't have dandruff (those lights in the club WILL show dandruff and other skurry types of stains), then wearing black is ALWAYS the way to go. Especially for hongry and thirsty girls like you and me.

At LEAST you weren't drinking red wine. Also, when you know the cameras are following you, why not just stay in your seat at the restaurant until that stain dries?!

Unless that's grease. DOH.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

W.C.'s Style O' The Week #8, and BiBi Back in the News

W.C. done fell, and and squashed her purtiest party-glasses and broke 'em. Potential replacements:

Ain't these nice? They match W.C.'s new pimp goblet. Do you have any other suggestions? W.C. CANNOT go out partying again until the glasses are replaced. This is a rule. It helps protect W.C. from the paparazzi (or the Pavarotti, as BiBi's former man K-Fed creatively calls them).

OOH, and speaking of BiBi and Stank-Fed, maybe that boy is smarter than W.C. gives him credit for, because he is allegedly getting ALL KINDS of BiBi's money, plus those babies four days a week!

That's probably a good thing, because it means BiBi only has to concentrate for 3 days a week on not dropping them, or leaving them wandering on Rodeo Drive, or flashing her hootchi-cootchie around them, or trading them for magic beans.

Silly BiBi---REAL magic beans cost WAY more than a couplea babies!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Orlando has Mickey Mouse, M-I-A just gots RATS.

OH LAWD! M-I-A gots RATS! Many, many rats. Like a million. More than W.C. can count up to, fo sho. That is seriously STANK!
The 305 don't sound so fancy when the big international airport is all CHOCK FULL OF RATS, now does it?
M-I-A could hire this guy, or they could just turn the situation into a tourist attraction. Re-name the airport Miami's Famous Rat Jungle and International Airport, with a cute plush Mickey Mouse style mascot, El Raton Rigoberto! Pretend like you planned it that way, M-I-A! Spin that news!
First Promotion: Free cookie to the first 1,000,000 kids to catch one of Rigoberto's cousins! Woo hoo!