For the record....

White Chocolate does NOT have Bieber Fever.

Bieber has nothing on JT!!!

Christina Aguilera, get your hair did!

So, WC has to comment on the fact that Christina a/k/a "X-tina" a/k/a "TiTi" Aguilera sang the national anthem at the Super Bowl.

Everyone is saying she "forgot" the words, or she "mistakenly" sang the words messed-up.

WRONG! W.C. is pretty sure that TiTi sang that song wrong on PURPOSE because she was trying to distract everyone's attention from that STANK, stringy, old-baby-doll-haired wig!

OK, OK, wait a second. Yes, you are correct if you are to say that W.C. has a busted wig... But guess what? W.C. ain't got no J-O-B! On the other hand, TiTi does have a job, even if she is spending all her money on donuts.

That hair looks like TiTi found it at the bottom of the old "Clearance Hair Bin" at Beauty Depot (the one in Pine Hills that used to be a Publix, which is next to "J-Mart" that used to be K-Mart that used to be Zayre):

TiTi---get your hair off the regular wig-heads, and skip the bargin bin---take care of your hair girl, be it real, or be it fake!

Stank Face

Lindsay done got herself a jail sentence, and just look at the STANK FACE she had on while in court today:

GURL! You are one hot mess:

showing off your nethers to the world

crashing par-tays

stealing peoples' stuff (so the rumors go)

showing up late for work

gettin your drank on while driving..... and more importantly, after getting busted multiple times, you didn't learn any kind of lesson, or even try to make it to all your drinkin classes!!! That Judge gave you a bunch of chances. You NEEDED to get served!

Miss Ho-Han, all that adds up to some serious STANKNESS. You KNOW you're stank when WC wouldn't even consider going to a par-tay with you. You give partying a bad name!

One thing WC really wants to know is, couldn't you afford a derned LIMOUSINE? Lawd!

All that being said, if you decide to go all BiBi Spears and shave off your hair, WC will go wig shopping with you!

Tyra Needs A Stylist, or Else She's Looking for a Man-Sasquatch

Oh Lawd! Tyra Banks, you need to stop yourself:


What were you trying to go for with this look? It is ostrich-inspired? Is the shoulder fur scented with pheromones to attract yourself a man-squatch?

You coulda looked 75% better with a nice wig or fake ponytail, and some purty black peep toe sandals. Why are you wearing booties???

OMG, it's the toes, isn't it? You forgot to get your toes did, didn't you? I bet you have some crusty, scraggly, unpedicured, stank feets up in those boots? Oh Snap.

Girl, how you gonna tell a bunch of America's Next Top Model wannabees how to dress themselves and pretend to be models, and you can't even get yourself ready for a par-tay!?

Florida Happenings: WC Will Eat Your Pet

There is a dude in Miami Beach who carries a rooster named Mr. Clucky all around Miami Beach and Lincoln Rd.

Exhibit A (courtesy of the above link):
WC has seen this dude with his bird. He carries it under his arm while he rides a bike on Lincoln. He shows it off to kids and grown-ups who inquire. Mr. Clucky even has a MySpace page, apparently.

Now, WC done grown up around chickens, has seen them go in the stew pot and the fryer, and has been attacked by several different hens and roosters over time.

WC knows chickens. Chickens are mean and STANK. This guy should have named his rooster McNugget.

Stank Report, South Beach Edition

W.C. is BACK! I owe an "Ask W.C." answer to at LEAST two people, and both of them questions are/were time sensitive. DOH!

W.C. will get on to that task, but in the meantime, here is a camera-phone pic taken on beeyootiful South Beach:

LAWD! You know it gets HOT down here, right? You know it's seriously tropical in these here parts of the United States. Well how the HELL you gonna put your STANK shoes up in the back window of your car?

You know the sun is gonna heat them up, and release a cloud of FOOT FUNK in your auto!

Even if you are homeless, and living out of your car (which sometimes happens in SoBe), please put those shoes in the trunk, baby!

Hammer Time!

Katie Holmes is purty. She got a purty child. She got a purty girly-man as her wedded husband and alleged baby-daddy. She got purty friends, and purty clothes, and purty shoes. But her feet???
THEM FEET GOTS TO GO! And I know my friend DWC ain't gonna be happy that I am back on feet, but day-um... "Ms. AU" sent these via the email, and WC couldn't possibly pass up the chance to comment.

Since WC seen these toes, all I can think of is MC Hammer, Hammer-time, Det. Mike Hammer from Sledgehammer, and a Ham-and-Cheese Sammich with some CORN chips (but that one is just because WC is hongry).

Katie! GURL, have your man go get you some Dr. Scholl's! You are too purty to have them STANK TOES.

WWDT?! (WHAT WOULD DAWSON THINK?)

Holla at W.C.

***"Holla at W.C." is a (new) feature of W.C.'s Blog, which shall serve as a forum in which W.C. can help you in the journey of life. You have questions. W.C. ALWAYS has an answer.***

Dear WC: I may have a stalker. Any suggestions?

--T.G., Miami Beach, FL

WC RESPONDS: Okay Mr. or Miss T.G.... First off, W.C. is gonna assume that the stalker is STANK. If he/she weren't STANK, you would not be writing to W.C. about it.

[For example, W.C. would not mind being stalked by either Daniel Craig, or Justin Timberlake (they are welcome to take the hint, you know, in case they happen to be reading). However, nobody likes a STANK stalker.]

This person probably has too much time on their hands. You need to make sure they are busy, VERY BUSY, but without getting directly involved. W.C. has the solution. Why not pay a crackhead to stalk your stalker for you? The right crackhead can be energetic and productive! For a very low price, you can entice a crackhead to safely and effectively annoy the hell out of your Stank Stalker: Dead flowers on the doorstep. Hundreds of emails. Hundreds of letters. Anything you want! The only limit is your imagination.

The only challenges are: (1) keeping your crackhead on task; and (2) paying them in small enough increments so that they don't run off with the yeyo before getting the job done.
ALSO, if you are gonna let the crackhead box up items to send to the S.S., be sure to pre-stamp letters and packages, and tape over it. Otherwise the crackhead may peel off the stamps and try to re-sell them.

ALSO, if you let them use a computer, it should be bolted down. EVERYTHING should be bolted down. If you follow these suggestions, your Stank Stalker will be up to his/her gills in emails and letters, and waaaay too distracted to bother you. In fact, he/she may enjoy the advances.

Once the crackhead runs off with all your pencils and pens and stops sending any email, your S.S. will be really bothered, and will miss all of the attention. He/she will then direct their attention to renewing contact with the crackhead, who won't mind a bit, because he/she will be chilling under a palm tree in Barnett Park in Orlando with a couple a dimes!

Problem solved!

xoxo,
White Chocolate

P.S. Crack is wack! Don't do crack kids!

P.P.S., My girl 5 Dolla got a job now, so she ain't up for hire, but she probably knows somebody:

Orlando has Mickey Mouse, M-I-A just gots RATS.

OH LAWD! M-I-A gots RATS! Many, many rats. Like a million. More than W.C. can count up to, fo sho. That is seriously STANK!
The 305 don't sound so fancy when the big international airport is all CHOCK FULL OF RATS, now does it?

M-I-A could hire this guy, or they could just turn the situation into a tourist attraction. Re-name the airport Miami's Famous Rat Jungle and International Airport, with a cute plush Mickey Mouse style mascot, El Raton Rigoberto! Pretend like you planned it that way, M-I-A! Spin that news!

First Promotion: Free cookie to the first 1,000,000 kids to catch one of Rigoberto's cousins! Woo hoo!

No News is Good News? And Style O' the Week, # 7

Sorry folks. W.C. got into a box of wine, and therefore has been asleep at the posting wheel. Therefore, if any of ya'll repeat offenders (you know who you are) been checking back to see if W.C. got anything to say 'bout anything, W.C. is sorry.

However, W.C.'s friend "D.W.C." pointed a brand new hur-style called the Pony-Hawk, a/k/a Faux-Hawk, which W.C. will claim for use as her Style of the Week:

LAWD! W.C. gotta veto this one and call it the STANK Style O' The Week, but tell me what ya'll think. Maybe W.C. is just jealous cause her purty hair won't do that style!

D.W.C. also blogs the Britney-Gun-In-Church incident:

Oh my goodness. That is cuh-ray-zay. That BiBi is a traveling circus. Careful of what you read on D.W.C.'s site though because some of it is weird and perverted and involves fruit roll-ups, and if you are under 18 it ain't suitable for you, and you should go surf Nickelodeon instead.

O.K. So W.C. will try to stay out of the wine, and keep up with giving you the important style news you crave.

BiBi gets hugged up with a dude!

Good news! BiBi Spears MUST finally be listening to WC's advice. According to information from my girl 5 Dolla, BiBi done got all hugged up with a dude named Jason Filyaw who has a band called Riva. Here he go:

BiBi, this boy ain't half-bad-looking, both of ya'll got shaved heads, both of ya'll sing, and both of ya'll got that hard-living-rehab credibility going for you.

(Of course, we must take breaking news reported by 5 Dolla with LESS credibility than other, reliable sources of news like The National Enquirer. After all, 5 Dolla IS the one who gave me a container of partially used deodorant for Santy Claus Day. I been using that deoderant too, after I wiped off her stank from the top layer with a tissue.)

But W.C. digresses. BiBi, I am glad to see you are back in the game, and listening to Auntie W.C.'s advice. Get out there and get your nails did for your new man! And GURL, write to W.C. sometime and give me a personal update, so's I don't hafta rely on third-hand info from stank deodorant re-gifters!

Breaking News! STANK Report!

From Orlando---D.W.C. reports that the tourists and Universal Studios employees are gossiping about the scrumptious MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY. Apparently, M&M is super-duper STANK. Once he gets out in the sun without his DEO, it's all about the B.O! Lawd, but his stank self is still good looking. He can bring his STANK over to W.C. any time!

Thanks to D.W.C. for the coverage.

The Hamptons

Everything here is pastel, damn! Lilly Pulitzer? More like Lilly Puke-itzer. No joke, it's STANK. I only packed black, and bling. Since I, W.C., am in rehab up here (oh, did I forget to mention that to ya'll???--oops, my bad)... Yeah, because of the rehab I am not really allowed to sneak off the compound for any of the par-tays... But don't worry, I'll be back in action soon (shhh.....don't tell nobody).