WC Been Bizzy!

Ok, ok, ok. W.C. is sorry, everybody.

Ever since I got down here to Miami, I been a bit lax in writing. Can you blame me? Palm trees, bling, and champagne, baby! Of course, I can't afford the bling or the champagne, but I shore can crash somebody's par-tay, drink up all they drinks, eat up all they food, and wake up the next morning under a palm tree. And that's what's important in life, ya'll. For realz.

Plus, the hootchie whose computer I use and whose living room I crash in always take her laptop with her to "work" and I gotta sit around watching basic cable all day.

W.C. is SO SICK of Dr. Phil!

But, I'll get back to it a.s.a.p., you hear me? I still owe answers to two "Ask W.C." questions, and I will probably "live-blog" my favorite TV Show "So You Think You Can Dance" once they get down to the last 10 peeps, and If anybody wanna holla, I'll try to holla back at ya.

Can I just say one thing though about current events? Paris' ass went to jail! Paris' ass went to jail! Paris' ass went to jail! I would normally never mention that nasty girl, but it bears repeating, because W.C. takes care NEVER to drank and drive, or drive at all for that matter.

Designated Drivers, peoplez! Make other people drive your drunk ass around, and trust W.C., it'll be much more fun!

(End public service announcement)

Uhh... Happy Monday. Holla!

JT Has a Business Venture

Justin Timberlake is launching his own record label! Who does he think he is? Sean "Puff-Daddy" "Puffy" "P-Diddy" "Diddy" Coombs?

Well, good for Justin, but W.C. doesn't understand the name of JT's new label:

Tenman???

What does the TEN stand for? Ten fingers and ten toes? That's about average for most people, so it can't be that.

Perfect ten? OOh, that would be conceited!

Shouldn't it be something like SexyBack Recordings? I dunno. Help a girl out! We gotta get Justin on the right track!

You know what else this means? A pity-album for BiBi Spears! Woo hoo! I'ma get my dance on!

You found White Chocolate, your search is over.

W.C. subscribes to Site Meter (you can see their visitor counter down at the bottom of the page). Site Meter lets W.C. know how people find her blog, and, for example, which search terms people use to find it. Some of these search terms made W.C. LAUGH AND LAUGH!

The all-time most popular search leading to W.C.'s blog is:

---"ghet-toes" and/or "ghet toes" (that's very expected, because W.C. loves pointing out people's ghet-toes!)

Some of the other ones you might find interesting include:

---"types of cheetos" (which is fitting, because W.C. knows EVERYTHING about cheetos).

---"ni's chocolate" (which W.C. doesn't understand at all).

---"mcconaughey gossiping" (which makes sense, because W.C. LOVES to gossip about hot mens).

---"kiddy tine nest" (which W.C. REALLY doesn't understand AT ALL, and if this means something nasty in another language, W.C. apologizes).

---"dominick centaur" (it only came up once, which W.C. thinks was just due to my friend of the same name checking out his searchability, which is totally legit... W.C. does that on a daily basis... but this is a fact that only D.C. himself can confirm or deny).

---"coleslaw wrestling 2007" (which----just wait until 2008, because W.C. wants to be all UP in that coleslaw to win the $500!!!, assuming a good wig can be found that won't come off during the greasy cabbage scrapping).

---"brazilian wax" (which unfortunately, WC knows waaay too much about... Ay ay ay!).

---"barefooted" (which is how W.C.'s friend BiBi Spears likes to be).

And finally.........................................



---"apopka hottest bitches" (which, it probably goes without saying, is W.C.'s MOST FAVORITIST SEARCH, EVER, BY A LONG SHOT!).

Ain't that something? Ain't the Internetz amazing?! Someone out there was looking for Apopka's hottest B's, and they found THE MOST HOTTEST ONE!

Your search is over, Mr. or Mrs. Internet-User! Your search is over.

George Clooney is a man-ho.

George Clooney is a man-ho! This news is a bit old, but bears repeating. G.C. kissed a woman cause her man paid George $350,000! LAWD, that is a bundle of clams!

Matt Damon's all "Dude, George, I woulda loaned you money if I had known you were hard up, buddy."

The brown headed hootchie kissing my man is all like "alrhlahalahalha" with her tongue. Eww.

The nice blonde lady with the green dress is like, "Heeeeeey, baby? What you give me for one million dollars?"

And George is like, "Arrrgh! I think the reflections of your chartreuse sequins gave me migrane headache! What a friggen' shame. Let me get back to you on that." (LOL, just kidding, Ellen Barkin but damn that's a shiny dress).

YO GEORGE! W.C. gots three-fitty for you!

Three dollas and fifty cents, that is. For that amount, will you at least wave at me from across the room???

Stank Report, South Beach Edition

W.C. is BACK! I owe an "Ask W.C." answer to at LEAST two people, and both of them questions are/were time sensitive. DOH!

W.C. will get on to that task, but in the meantime, here is a camera-phone pic taken on beeyootiful South Beach:

LAWD! You know it gets HOT down here, right? You know it's seriously tropical in these here parts of the United States. Well how the HELL you gonna put your STANK shoes up in the back window of your car?

You know the sun is gonna heat them up, and release a cloud of FOOT FUNK in your auto!

Even if you are homeless, and living out of your car (which sometimes happens in SoBe), please put those shoes in the trunk, baby!

Hammer Time!

Katie Holmes is purty. She got a purty child. She got a purty girly-man as her wedded husband and alleged baby-daddy. She got purty friends, and purty clothes, and purty shoes. But her feet???
THEM FEET GOTS TO GO! And I know my friend DWC ain't gonna be happy that I am back on feet, but day-um... "Ms. AU" sent these via the email, and WC couldn't possibly pass up the chance to comment.

Since WC seen these toes, all I can think of is MC Hammer, Hammer-time, Det. Mike Hammer from Sledgehammer, and a Ham-and-Cheese Sammich with some CORN chips (but that one is just because WC is hongry).

Katie! GURL, have your man go get you some Dr. Scholl's! You are too purty to have them STANK TOES.

WWDT?! (WHAT WOULD DAWSON THINK?)

BiBi wears ugly clothes

Girl, that top looks like you got it at Guess Closeout Factory store off of the 2-for-$9.99 rack.
You watch America's Next Top Model? Cause my girl Dionne was wearing a top like that a few weeks back and she like to have gotten herself thrown off the show! Is that why you look sad, girl? Don't worry, Dionne got herself together, and you can too.

I know you still got that Louisiana Mall Mentality, and being from modest means I can feel you on that, but you got money now! That's why you signed that pre-nup! Shop like you got some real money in your pocket once in a while!

We got a saying where I am from: "GIRL, SOMEBODY DONE LIED TO YOU."

Get thee to Rodeo Drive, and go with someone who will TELL YOU THE TRUTH. Better yet, come down to Miami and go shopping at the Macy's at Dadeland. There's one real sweet Cuban sales lady who works up in the DKNY department or thereabouts, and she WILL tell you how it is. She says: "Oh no, baby. I don like thees ones for you" and will bring you something much purtyer to try on, and THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.

Don't be trying to fool WC now---*I* can tell the difference between Gucci and Fucchi.

Holla at WC: Question from Black Vanilla

***"Holla at W.C." is a (new) feature of W.C.'s Blog, which shall serve as a forum in which W.C. can help you in the journey of life. You have questions. W.C. ALWAYS has an answer.***

Dear WC:

Ware culd I find some good hare reemoovin creem? I been usin this Nair stuff an it jus give me the wors rash. Lordy! This uther nite when I were expecting Artel to come over to spen tha nite, I naired down in my cooch and then alla sudden got this awful fearsom itch. turn out it were a aylurjick reyakshun! Now i gotta find sumthin uther than Nair. Any Sujessjuns?

Yur Frend,

BV

WC RESPONDS: OOH LAWD. Black Vanilla, I know that's you writing. But even if I hadn't already seen your myspace pics, I would KNOW you must be one HAIRY BITCH! You would not be writing if you weren't as hairy as a damn SASQUATCH!
Girl! Throw that Nair out! Call in the big guns! You ever tried waxing? It hurts like hell, but it don't grow back so fast as the Nair'd hairs do.

Let me warn you though: WC went to a FANCY joint here in Miami Beach to get my hootchie cootchie waxed. Down here they call it a Brazilian, and let me tell you, they go ALL the way from Canada to Brazil. Once I left, I felt like I pretty much just had a thespian experience. Those ladies get right comfortable with your kibbles and bits! But wouldn't you know it? I went and showed my manfolk how I had done got a wax, and he told me how he prefers a hairy Sasquatch woman! He left me and my Uncle Fester... and went and found a hippie chick:
Can you believe that? Some mens just like hur. So first, maybe you ought to ask your boyfriend Artel what he like. Maybe he like a little TEXTURE in that region!
But then, if it turn out he like it smooth, make HIS ASS pay for it. AND while your at it, make his ass buy you a 40 before you go in there.... ...or a derned roofie... because OOOOOOH LAWD. All W.C. is saying, it's best your ass be drunk before, during, and after it happens.

Good luck & let me know how it go!

xoxo,
White Chocolate

P.S... To anybody else who wanna write WC, I won't out your name if you don't want me to. But I figured Black Vanilla wouldn't mind, and she didn't say she didn't wanna be shouted out.

P.P.S.. I'ma gonna get my drank on tonight! C-Ya!

Holla at W.C.

***"Holla at W.C." is a (new) feature of W.C.'s Blog, which shall serve as a forum in which W.C. can help you in the journey of life. You have questions. W.C. ALWAYS has an answer.***

Dear WC: I may have a stalker. Any suggestions?

--T.G., Miami Beach, FL

WC RESPONDS: Okay Mr. or Miss T.G.... First off, W.C. is gonna assume that the stalker is STANK. If he/she weren't STANK, you would not be writing to W.C. about it.

[For example, W.C. would not mind being stalked by either Daniel Craig, or Justin Timberlake (they are welcome to take the hint, you know, in case they happen to be reading). However, nobody likes a STANK stalker.]

This person probably has too much time on their hands. You need to make sure they are busy, VERY BUSY, but without getting directly involved. W.C. has the solution. Why not pay a crackhead to stalk your stalker for you? The right crackhead can be energetic and productive! For a very low price, you can entice a crackhead to safely and effectively annoy the hell out of your Stank Stalker: Dead flowers on the doorstep. Hundreds of emails. Hundreds of letters. Anything you want! The only limit is your imagination.

The only challenges are: (1) keeping your crackhead on task; and (2) paying them in small enough increments so that they don't run off with the yeyo before getting the job done.
ALSO, if you are gonna let the crackhead box up items to send to the S.S., be sure to pre-stamp letters and packages, and tape over it. Otherwise the crackhead may peel off the stamps and try to re-sell them.

ALSO, if you let them use a computer, it should be bolted down. EVERYTHING should be bolted down. If you follow these suggestions, your Stank Stalker will be up to his/her gills in emails and letters, and waaaay too distracted to bother you. In fact, he/she may enjoy the advances.

Once the crackhead runs off with all your pencils and pens and stops sending any email, your S.S. will be really bothered, and will miss all of the attention. He/she will then direct their attention to renewing contact with the crackhead, who won't mind a bit, because he/she will be chilling under a palm tree in Barnett Park in Orlando with a couple a dimes!

Problem solved!

xoxo,
White Chocolate

P.S. Crack is wack! Don't do crack kids!

P.P.S., My girl 5 Dolla got a job now, so she ain't up for hire, but she probably knows somebody:

BiBi Off or On Wagon? W.C. Confused.

Oh, BiBi. WC gots more questions than answers today.

FIRST, how you gonna wear a hat that is from 10 years ago?

THEN, how you gonna wear it over top of a busted-ass wig?

THEN, how you gonna let your nip hang out all over the place?

ALSO, BiBi, is that a purple bra-strap hanging off your shoulder?

ALSO, where your purty grill went?

ALSO, where them babies at?

LAWD. WC is plumb tired out from this girl. 5 Dolla said she has been reading up on BiBi this week, and that girl done got an entire extra baby worth of fat lipo-sucked from herself. Good for you, BiBi! Suck out ALL them Cheetos!

ALSO, BiBi has been dancing again (practicing her moves!), AND she been dranking the booze again. Sounds like she's on the WC path to happiness and enlightenment!

WC's Style of the Week, #11

If you have ever seen shoes like this before, W.C. will give you a dolla.

Or ... a nickel.

Ummm... well... actually, W.C. ain't got a wallet or pockets at the moment... so IF you've seen shoes like this before, W.C. will just give you a slap on your behind. Like in football.

On to the shoes:

WOO HOO! These are lace-up HORSE BOOTS, sent in the email via a dude who is appropriately called Shoe. Thanks, Shoe (shout-out from W.C.)!

These boots would make W.C. taller than a drag queen! And not only that, but they look good for stomping around with, especially up in the club where W.C. would be able to see over the heads of EVERYBODY.

And it would be good for one of W.C.'s fave dance moves, called "The Horse"... The Horse can be described such-like: Think Elaine Benes, mixed with Marky Mark, mixed with a Vanilla Ice running man, with a little MC Hammer thrown in.

More later...

WC's Style O' the Week, #10

Some people done found even purtier toes than W.C. had found last time! Here is the picture:

OOH LAWD! W.C.'s previously commented about some similarly styled toes. Here is the encore presentation, in case you already forgot:

Girls, these toes WILL get stomped on up in the club. You best watch out!

Stuff Ya'll Can Buy (for W.C.)

OK, OK... ya'll don't really NEED to buy this for W.C.:

But DAWG! The fact that a Mickey-D's french fried tater-holder with BOTH Baby BiBi and Baby J.T. on it still exists boggles W.C.'s mind! And it's available for sale on eBay?! That is cuh-ray-zay!

W.C.'s fry containers usually get all greasy and sqashed right off the bat. Or, sometimes I fold down the top, to save some fries in my purse for later. Mmm mmm... add some fresh salt and ketchup to those cold taters, and they are as good as new, and perfect when W.C. is hongry after a night of par-taying.

The point is, this tater-holder is a rare find. Go ahead and spring for the 5 bucks (it's that much, because of $3.95 shipping) and BUY THIS THING. In 20 years, you'll totally be able to get your money back, plus at LEAST a dollar or so more.

Investment strategy, W.C. style!

Can U Hear W.C. Now?

Yet ANOTHER piece of evidence that (1) W.C. is a trend-setter and (2) everybody loves W.C....

There is a phone named after W.C.! Check it out: IF W.C. had a phone, this would be the phone. Unfortunately, neither that nerd-dude from Verizon, nor the LG company has yet seen fit to hook a bitch up!

Until then, W.C. will continue to use her pager from fricken 1992:
...and call people back from the parking lot at 7-11. That is NOT fabulous, people. Therefore, if anybody gots a connection at the phone company, let W.C. know.

Also, if the phone comes with those little stick-on sparkle-blingz, even better!
You KNOW what W.C. likes, Babies!

Post-Easter Greetings, and Style of the Week, #9

W.C. LOVES when people go out of their way to be festive. This Style of the Week (and a big shout-out to my dawg MiMo for emailing) is dedicated to a lady who really put a lot into her Easter hairdo: Are you puzzled, reader? Are you thinking "well, that lady's hair sure looks purty, and the style contains hints of a lovely pastel spring theme, but WHERE do you get EASTER out of this hairdo, W.C.?"

Well, let W.C. continue:

BOO-YA! EASTER BASKET WOVEN ONTO HEAD. But wait, there's MORE:

EGGS! Grass! Basket Handle!

The Easter Bunny would be proud... not that W.C. cares what the Easter Bunny thinks, because he didn't bring so much as ONE PEEP nor CADBURY EGG for W.C. this year. Good thing they are 1/2 off at Walgreens now! The only happier day in all the year is February 15th. WC's gotta go get her sugar-buzz on... C-ya!

BiBi with a "Real" Grill

These people done did what 5 Dolla was tryin' to do! 5 Dolla, you just got SERVED! Lookie here:

Ta da!

W.C. LUVS THE INTERNETS!

BiBi Spears is still a mess...

W.C. found this pic of BiBi and just had to say something, and thankfully somebody had already blacked out BiBi's bibi, which you can see because she done forgot her underwearz again!
Dear BiBi,

Nice wig, nice purse. The jury is out on those velvet bike shorts, but at least you ain't gonna flash your hootchie-cootchie. As for your STAINED-ASS SHIRT:

QUESTION: Why the HELL do you think White Chocolate wears BLACK to every par-tay?

ANSWER: W.C. wears black because nobody can see the food and drank that you spill all over yourself when your ass gets drunk and hongry. As long as you don't have dandruff (those lights in the club WILL show dandruff and other skurry types of stains), then wearing black is ALWAYS the way to go. Especially for hongry and thirsty girls like you and me.

At LEAST you weren't drinking red wine. Also, when you know the cameras are following you, why not just stay in your seat at the restaurant until that stain dries?!

Unless that's grease. DOH.

W.C.'s Style O' The Week #8, and BiBi Back in the News

W.C. done fell, and and squashed her purtiest party-glasses and broke 'em. Potential replacements:

Ain't these nice? They match W.C.'s new pimp goblet. Do you have any other suggestions? W.C. CANNOT go out partying again until the glasses are replaced. This is a rule. It helps protect W.C. from the paparazzi (or the Pavarotti, as BiBi's former man K-Fed creatively calls them).

OOH, and speaking of BiBi and Stank-Fed, maybe that boy is smarter than W.C. gives him credit for, because he is allegedly getting ALL KINDS of BiBi's money, plus those babies four days a week!

That's probably a good thing, because it means BiBi only has to concentrate for 3 days a week on not dropping them, or leaving them wandering on Rodeo Drive, or flashing her hootchi-cootchie around them, or trading them for magic beans.

Silly BiBi---REAL magic beans cost WAY more than a couplea babies!

Orlando has Mickey Mouse, M-I-A just gots RATS.

OH LAWD! M-I-A gots RATS! Many, many rats. Like a million. More than W.C. can count up to, fo sho. That is seriously STANK!
The 305 don't sound so fancy when the big international airport is all CHOCK FULL OF RATS, now does it?

M-I-A could hire this guy, or they could just turn the situation into a tourist attraction. Re-name the airport Miami's Famous Rat Jungle and International Airport, with a cute plush Mickey Mouse style mascot, El Raton Rigoberto! Pretend like you planned it that way, M-I-A! Spin that news!

First Promotion: Free cookie to the first 1,000,000 kids to catch one of Rigoberto's cousins! Woo hoo!

No News is Good News? And Style O' the Week, # 7

Sorry folks. W.C. got into a box of wine, and therefore has been asleep at the posting wheel. Therefore, if any of ya'll repeat offenders (you know who you are) been checking back to see if W.C. got anything to say 'bout anything, W.C. is sorry.

However, W.C.'s friend "D.W.C." pointed a brand new hur-style called the Pony-Hawk, a/k/a Faux-Hawk, which W.C. will claim for use as her Style of the Week:

LAWD! W.C. gotta veto this one and call it the STANK Style O' The Week, but tell me what ya'll think. Maybe W.C. is just jealous cause her purty hair won't do that style!

D.W.C. also blogs the Britney-Gun-In-Church incident:

Oh my goodness. That is cuh-ray-zay. That BiBi is a traveling circus. Careful of what you read on D.W.C.'s site though because some of it is weird and perverted and involves fruit roll-ups, and if you are under 18 it ain't suitable for you, and you should go surf Nickelodeon instead.

O.K. So W.C. will try to stay out of the wine, and keep up with giving you the important style news you crave.