Stank Face

Lindsay done got herself a jail sentence, and just look at the STANK FACE she had on while in court today:

GURL! You are one hot mess:

showing off your nethers to the world

crashing par-tays

stealing peoples' stuff (so the rumors go)

showing up late for work

gettin your drank on while driving..... and more importantly, after getting busted multiple times, you didn't learn any kind of lesson, or even try to make it to all your drinkin classes!!! That Judge gave you a bunch of chances. You NEEDED to get served!

Miss Ho-Han, all that adds up to some serious STANKNESS. You KNOW you're stank when WC wouldn't even consider going to a par-tay with you. You give partying a bad name!

One thing WC really wants to know is, couldn't you afford a derned LIMOUSINE? Lawd!

All that being said, if you decide to go all BiBi Spears and shave off your hair, WC will go wig shopping with you!

Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

This is no longer Breaking News, but WC feels she should comment on the untimely (?) death of Michael Jackson. WC dug MJ unconditionally, even if he was weird. WC is weird (and misunderstood), too.

WC liked this MJ:WC liked this MJ, too:
WC even liked THIS MJ: TOP 10 things WC will fondly remember about Michael Jackson:

1) The Glove
2) The other MJ fashions, like fantastic sparkled marching band and military inspired jackets
3) The singin'.
4) The dancin' (all the MOVES, including the moonwalk).
5) We are the World, We are the Children (WC has sung this when she's drankin')
6) THE WIZ... THE FRICKEN WIZ!
7) MJ's kids, since MJ seems to be the kind of parent WC would be. Naming a kid Blanket or Princess WC, Jr., making them wear masks, dangling them over a hotel balcony, etc.
8) Parasols. WC is afraid of the sun, and if WC were to come out in the daylight she'd appreciate a good parasol like MJ did, especially if there's someone else (like a manservant or porter) to shade me with it.
9) The weird MJ stories, like the oxygen chamber, the Elephant Man's bones, and Bubbles the chimp.
10) WC would also like to chill at Neverland Ranch.

But one thing WC will never understand is why MJ liked hangin' around with all them kids. Kids are nasty, loud, stank li'l goblins, who don't respect their elders. DRINK THE JEEBUS JUICE and go to sleep 'cause WC gotta hit the town! Hahahaha. J/K, kids. WC luvs ya'll... from afar.

But WC digresses. MJ was huge, no matter how you look at it, and if he had hung out with WC she'da probably chased off that snake oil doctor who had injected him with all them drugs.

R.I.P.

WC's Florida Happenings: The Ol' McNugget Switcharoo

OK Ya'll. Did you hear how a lady in Ft. Pierce called 9-1-1 because the McDonald's ran out of McNuggets? (Click the link to read the story, and hear the audio).

So this lady, named Latreasa L. Goodman, paid for her McNuggets... and then all of a sudden, they didn't have any more McNuggets. Supposedly they tried to get her to order something else that was not McNuggets that cost the same as McNuggets, like a McDouble, and said they couldn't refund her money. Ummmm....

OK, FIRST, a "McDouble" is NOT anywhere close to being McNuggets. No other item on the McDonald's menu is close. McNuggets are their own food group. Also, adding a "small" fry on top of that is insulting, even through Latreasa ordered a small fry to begin with. A small fry is what you get when you just want to wet the inside of your mouth with a little bit of delicious salt and grease, and NOT what you should be offered when your McNugget rug has just been yanked out from under your feet. Super Size that lady's fries! Duh.

Second, if you are hungry for McNuggets, and you went into McDonalds, and ordered McNuggets, and you paid for McNuggets, and you are expecting McNuggets, and your mouth is watering for McNuggets, and then you don't get any McNuggets, THAT IS AN EMERGENCY! For realz.

Now, WC LURVES Mickey D's. And WC ESPECIALLY loves McNuggets. No matter how mad or sad you may be, McNuggets will make it better. WC is not trying to speak ill of that venerable institution as a whole. But c'mon, McDonald's of Ft. Pierce! You should have given Latreasa's money back. More importantly, you shoulda warned her ahead of time that you didn't have McNuggets. Even MORE importantly, you should have re-ordered the McNuggets before you ran out of them.

A McDonald's without McNuggets is pointless.

Let me end up on a happier note by telling you a nice story about McDonald's: WC had ordered a Super Size Fry, and sat down to eat it with a big ol' pile of ketchup, and it were pretty derned good, except then all of a sudden a McDonald's employee came over with a tray of a BRAND NEW HOT FRIES and apologized that the last fries might have been a bit cool. Of course, WC ate both the old fries and the new hot fries.

Now THAT was some serious customer service, and that is also why WC wears the stretchy pants.

DEAR NERDS

FYI, and R.I.P. to this dude, Gary Gygax, who was a co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.W.C. got kicked out of her only game of "Dungeons and Dragons" because some of the nerd-players took offense to W.C. trying to kill all the other game characters, and because W.C. got chicken-wing grease all over the dice, and also she drank up the nerds' beers, and didn't take the game seriously enough. *Whatever!*

For realz though, this is sad because this guy was probably real creative, and he made a lot of nerds happy.

Eugoogelizing young hot talented people sucks.

Oh hell no!
We have lost Heath Ledger, who was an all around hot and talented dude, including when he was a hot gay cowboy. W.C. is truly shocked, appalled, and saddened at the loss of a hot man such as this... and in the same week as Josh Renfro... who was more on the B list, but not un-hot or un-talented by any means.

Kids! Pills are to be respected, and AVOIDED. Now, in olden times, W.C. would eat a pill indiscriminately, like Miss Lady PacMan... but that don't make it right, or smart!

Note: Elvis, Marylin Monroe, Jimmy Hendrix, and a ton of other people done expired prematurely due to pills. If you need to take pills, W.C. suggests TicTacs, or Altoids. That will fulfill your oral pill-popping fixation, and ALSO help your breath stankness.

For real, though. The Dark Knight movie with Heath as the Joker is probably gonna be awesome, but sad now. R.I.P. Heath, which, by the way is one of the best candy bars in existence.

W.C. has a tear in her beer.

Dale's Gonna Do the Dew

According to AutoWeek, Dale, Jr. is gonna be driving the MOUNTAIN DEW car, No. 88! Wow, two of W.C.'s favorite things, cute Dale JR. and delicious Mountain Dew, together at last.
Christmas came early for W.C. this year. Oh, speaking of Christmas/Solstice/Holiday celebrations, check out how you can make a Mountain Dew sody-can Christmas Tree!

Ain't it a beautiful thing, ya'll!? Ya'll best start drinking the Dew so you can be ready come December. W.C. will help if you need it.

Poor Butterscotch Stallion!

OMG, get well soon, Butterscotch Stallion! Think about that movie, "It's a Wonderful Life." Remeber it? Well, without you, we'd have no Hansel (Zoolander), nor the dude you played in The Life Acquatic with Steve Zissou, nor the dude you played in The Royal Tennenbaums, nor the dude you played in The Wedding Crashers.

And your brothers would miss you. Your nose may be shaped a bit weird, but WC thinks that gives you character, sort of like WC's big-giant feet.

If you want someone to hang out with, WC will totally keep you company.

We can draw mustaches on all photos of Kate Hudson. We can eat pints of Cherry Garcia and fly kites and look for 4 leaf clovers in the park. We can make our own suede moccasins, and create art works involving plaster casts of each others faces. We can roast hot dogs and marshmallows over a campfire.

We totally can be BFFs, now that WC is trying to put some distance between herself and BiBi Spears, so that WC don't get subpoenaed by K-Fed!

Be well, for realz.

JT Has a Business Venture

Justin Timberlake is launching his own record label! Who does he think he is? Sean "Puff-Daddy" "Puffy" "P-Diddy" "Diddy" Coombs?

Well, good for Justin, but W.C. doesn't understand the name of JT's new label:

Tenman???

What does the TEN stand for? Ten fingers and ten toes? That's about average for most people, so it can't be that.

Perfect ten? OOh, that would be conceited!

Shouldn't it be something like SexyBack Recordings? I dunno. Help a girl out! We gotta get Justin on the right track!

You know what else this means? A pity-album for BiBi Spears! Woo hoo! I'ma get my dance on!

George Clooney is a man-ho.

George Clooney is a man-ho! This news is a bit old, but bears repeating. G.C. kissed a woman cause her man paid George $350,000! LAWD, that is a bundle of clams!

Matt Damon's all "Dude, George, I woulda loaned you money if I had known you were hard up, buddy."

The brown headed hootchie kissing my man is all like "alrhlahalahalha" with her tongue. Eww.

The nice blonde lady with the green dress is like, "Heeeeeey, baby? What you give me for one million dollars?"

And George is like, "Arrrgh! I think the reflections of your chartreuse sequins gave me migrane headache! What a friggen' shame. Let me get back to you on that." (LOL, just kidding, Ellen Barkin but damn that's a shiny dress).

YO GEORGE! W.C. gots three-fitty for you!

Three dollas and fifty cents, that is. For that amount, will you at least wave at me from across the room???

BiBi Off or On Wagon? W.C. Confused.

Oh, BiBi. WC gots more questions than answers today.

FIRST, how you gonna wear a hat that is from 10 years ago?

THEN, how you gonna wear it over top of a busted-ass wig?

THEN, how you gonna let your nip hang out all over the place?

ALSO, BiBi, is that a purple bra-strap hanging off your shoulder?

ALSO, where your purty grill went?

ALSO, where them babies at?

LAWD. WC is plumb tired out from this girl. 5 Dolla said she has been reading up on BiBi this week, and that girl done got an entire extra baby worth of fat lipo-sucked from herself. Good for you, BiBi! Suck out ALL them Cheetos!

ALSO, BiBi has been dancing again (practicing her moves!), AND she been dranking the booze again. Sounds like she's on the WC path to happiness and enlightenment!

W.C.'s Style O' The Week #8, and BiBi Back in the News

W.C. done fell, and and squashed her purtiest party-glasses and broke 'em. Potential replacements:

Ain't these nice? They match W.C.'s new pimp goblet. Do you have any other suggestions? W.C. CANNOT go out partying again until the glasses are replaced. This is a rule. It helps protect W.C. from the paparazzi (or the Pavarotti, as BiBi's former man K-Fed creatively calls them).

OOH, and speaking of BiBi and Stank-Fed, maybe that boy is smarter than W.C. gives him credit for, because he is allegedly getting ALL KINDS of BiBi's money, plus those babies four days a week!

That's probably a good thing, because it means BiBi only has to concentrate for 3 days a week on not dropping them, or leaving them wandering on Rodeo Drive, or flashing her hootchi-cootchie around them, or trading them for magic beans.

Silly BiBi---REAL magic beans cost WAY more than a couplea babies!

Orlando has Mickey Mouse, M-I-A just gots RATS.

OH LAWD! M-I-A gots RATS! Many, many rats. Like a million. More than W.C. can count up to, fo sho. That is seriously STANK!
The 305 don't sound so fancy when the big international airport is all CHOCK FULL OF RATS, now does it?

M-I-A could hire this guy, or they could just turn the situation into a tourist attraction. Re-name the airport Miami's Famous Rat Jungle and International Airport, with a cute plush Mickey Mouse style mascot, El Raton Rigoberto! Pretend like you planned it that way, M-I-A! Spin that news!

First Promotion: Free cookie to the first 1,000,000 kids to catch one of Rigoberto's cousins! Woo hoo!

JT: Don't hate the playa

Don't be hating on Justin Timberlake:

...Just because W.C.'s boy JT is all hugged up with two major, A-List hootchies at the same time. He can't help his li'l self.

BiBi got her nails did...

W.C.'s girl 5 Dolla has been a busy little internet worker bee, and has turned up this article about BiBi, along with this photograph: As the article notes, check out BiBi's hot-pink french tips.

Well, W.C. doesn't at disapprove of BiBi taking care of herself and getting her NAILS DID and stuff, even if this current UNBEWEAVEABLE, hair-full image flies in the face of the new hard-rocking image that BiBi was cultivating...

Still, BiBi----> If you are trying to turn back the clock and go back to olden times, just paint the whole nail pink, ok Girl? Or get a straight up french manicure.

Get yourself a stylist! W.C. will even act as your style-consultant for free! BiBi, it's a fine line you are walking ...you know where to reach me, Girl.

Oh Snap! Big Moe Denied Entrance to Shaq's B-Day

The news for the day is that Shaq had a b-day party at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, and SOMEHOW Star Jones made it past the velvet rope:

...but poor Big Moe (Anna Nicole's former bodyguard) got denied at the door. Big Moe doesn't even have a JOBBITY JOB anymore, and Shaq's door-dudes are hating on the man?

WC SHOULD have busted up in there. With WC on his arm, Big Moe would have gotten in.

Also, he apparently doesn't know the rule that if at first you don't succeed, there's always sneaking in through the kitchen! HA HA HA, you laugh, but there is a whole troupe of crusty old party crashers W.C. done met in N-Why-C who think they are super fancy, but yet they will sneak under a fence in a second if there are some jumbo cocktail scrimps on the other side!

But WC digresses....

Chin up, Big Moe! Shaq just wanted to ensure he'd be the tallest dude at the party on his big day!

BiBi getz a Grill?

According to semi-reliable news sources, BiBi has made a quick post-rehab dash to the dentist. According to TOTALLY UNRELIABLE news sources, i.e. speculation, conjecture, and photoshopping by my girl "5 Dolla"... the reason for the stop at the dentist was to get fitted for a NEW GRILL:

OH LAWD, 5 Dolla need a new photo-editing program. BiBi looks good with a grill, but Professor W.C. thinks BiBi actually went in for "Molar Pain" as reported, in order to get a pain-meds scrip!

Once a bare-footed crackhead, always a bare-footed crackhead! But W.C. loves you, BiBi!

WC Sez: Boycott Tennessee?

The word on the street is that Justin Timberlake's home-state of Tennessee thinks he is too sexy to be associated with the state! Just like Elvis! Apparently, "State Sen. Ophelia Ford had introduced the resolution to honor Timberlake, a Tennessee native, 'for his highly successful music career and for his meritorious service to the State of Tennessee.' But Sen. Raymond Finney, R-Maryville, removed it from a list of resolutions that is expected to get unanimous support in the Senate."

Now, WC don't know anything about politics, but WC is PRO-J.T., cause that boy can DANCE!

BiBi gets hugged up with a dude!

Good news! BiBi Spears MUST finally be listening to WC's advice. According to information from my girl 5 Dolla, BiBi done got all hugged up with a dude named Jason Filyaw who has a band called Riva. Here he go:

BiBi, this boy ain't half-bad-looking, both of ya'll got shaved heads, both of ya'll sing, and both of ya'll got that hard-living-rehab credibility going for you.

(Of course, we must take breaking news reported by 5 Dolla with LESS credibility than other, reliable sources of news like The National Enquirer. After all, 5 Dolla IS the one who gave me a container of partially used deodorant for Santy Claus Day. I been using that deoderant too, after I wiped off her stank from the top layer with a tissue.)

But W.C. digresses. BiBi, I am glad to see you are back in the game, and listening to Auntie W.C.'s advice. Get out there and get your nails did for your new man! And GURL, write to W.C. sometime and give me a personal update, so's I don't hafta rely on third-hand info from stank deodorant re-gifters!

No JT for BiBi...

Well, BiBi is busting out of rehab--legitimately this time. And along with that news, everybody is reporting that JT don't want nothing to do with her crusty, barefooted self (which is what he means when he says "we just friends").

Well, BiBi... maybe it's for the best. JT is a little too pretty and polished for your new career track that W.C. has designed for you. You need to partner up with someone who is more on your new head-shaved, rock-out level.

Maybe this dude:

His name is Pete Doherty (no relation to Shannon that W.C. knows of) and like you, he also enjoys partying, going in and out of rehab, rocking out, and long walks on the beach.

Anyone else have some suggestions of suitable suitors for post-rehab BiBi???

Breaking News! STANK Report!

From Orlando---D.W.C. reports that the tourists and Universal Studios employees are gossiping about the scrumptious MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY. Apparently, M&M is super-duper STANK. Once he gets out in the sun without his DEO, it's all about the B.O! Lawd, but his stank self is still good looking. He can bring his STANK over to W.C. any time!

Thanks to D.W.C. for the coverage.