Stank Face

Lindsay done got herself a jail sentence, and just look at the STANK FACE she had on while in court today:

GURL! You are one hot mess:

showing off your nethers to the world

crashing par-tays

stealing peoples' stuff (so the rumors go)

showing up late for work

gettin your drank on while driving..... and more importantly, after getting busted multiple times, you didn't learn any kind of lesson, or even try to make it to all your drinkin classes!!! That Judge gave you a bunch of chances. You NEEDED to get served!

Miss Ho-Han, all that adds up to some serious STANKNESS. You KNOW you're stank when WC wouldn't even consider going to a par-tay with you. You give partying a bad name!

One thing WC really wants to know is, couldn't you afford a derned LIMOUSINE? Lawd!

All that being said, if you decide to go all BiBi Spears and shave off your hair, WC will go wig shopping with you!

OMG, Ya'll! Britney is 28!

For real, Britney Spears has done turned 28 years old yesterday!

WC's favorite Mickey Mouse Club member (besides J.T., duh!) is now officially NOT a member of The 27 Club even though... Was she even eligible for it to begin with?

W.C. don't know the answer ...just asking.

Britney didn't even invite W.C. to celebrate with her which is a real shame, 'cause W.C. woulda brung over a fine Cheetos, Funyuns, and Corn Nuts selection, a Justin Timberlake Mega-Mix, and some fine sparkling DRANK such as Andre Cold Duck or Mountain Dew. THAT is the proper way to PAR-TAY and celebrate such a momentous accomplishment.

Go Britney! It's your Birthday!

Speaking of peoples who are alive, W.C. is NOT DEAD even though she has been on the down low AND got specifically dis-invited from at least one wedding this year. Yes, W.C. got served! Well eff ya'll too! Snooty-ass married people! No Cheetos for you!

Holiday Greetings from BiBi, Ya'll

Awww, BiBi done sent the world a greeting on her website! Ain't that sweet? But BiBi, where is WC's PERSONALIZED greeting and present? After all WC has done for you this year? Hmph! Well, don't worry girl, there is still time!This is what WC would like:
It's a Mirror-Miata! Perfect! THANKS IN ADVANCE, Girl!

HAPPY FESTIVUS TO EVERYBODY, and don't forget to drink some champagne for WC on NYE!!! Get your PART-TAY on! If ya'll dress up as WC IMPOSTERS and send me a picture, I'll post my favorite ones here, and you'll be SO FAMOUS, just like WC.

BiBi had a Birthday

Happy Birthday to BiBi. Oh, what? WC is BELATED in conveying these birthday wishes? Well, where was BiBi when it was WC's birthday, hmmmm? No card, no cake, no nothing. Bee-yotch!But seriously girl, congratulations on surviving to your 27th. Even them pumpkin-headed KIDS of yours survived to your 27th! I credit K-Fed for that.

WC took the liberty of writing out a birthday list for you. If anyone wants to help out BiBi, just send these items "care of" WC.

---calorie-free cheetos

---A better weave (hair done)
---A better manicure (nails did)
---champagne (WC will have to drink this for BiBi since she's rehabbed)

---7 Minutes in Heaven with Justin Timberlake

---Birthday dinner: Some baby back ribs in some goooood sauce, with a side of tater salad.
---a billion dollars (of course, WC will need manage this $$ for BiBi like her Daddy already does with her other $$).

And by the way, BiBi... it's clear to us all that you done lost your sparkle. Where is it? You better find it! May this be the year you get your sparkle back!

XOXO (yeah, WC watches Gossip Girl),
WC

BloBi and BruBi, the Wonder Twins

Everybody be asking: "Hey, WC, why are you not talking about BiBi's crazy antics?" Well, WC has been on a spiritual journey of her own. No, I won't go into details, but it involved cheetos, a case of canned sparkling wine, and a wave-runner.

It seems to WC that BiBi has at least two personalities. There is Blonde BiBi (BloBi) and Brunette BiBi (BruBi). Each one gets into their own different messes.

BruBi commits a hit-and-run, while the next day across town, BloBi is dropping a baby on it's poor little soft head. BruBi shaves her head, while BloBi "performs" for the VMA's.
Neither of these two wonder-hootchies realize that it's the year 2007, on planet Earth, or that it's generally considered unseemly to smoke crack naked in front of one's babies.
Ya'll, W.C. just got back from a Cheetos-and-canned-wine-spiritual-sabbatical, and even W.C. understands these life lessons.

And the OTHER thing W.C. knows:

BIBI IS STILL COPYING W.C....

Did you all KNOW that W.C. has an alter ego??? Shocking, I know. But yes, it's true. And now you know.

BiBi Spears Still Copying W.C.'s Style

Uh huh. Girl, you are busted.

Here is the evidence that you are still trying to copy W.C.:

1) Rumors are flying that you didn't want your hair to be blonde for the VMA's. You wanted to get your hair did dark. Your "people" made you go blonde. You know you love W.C's dark n' lovely locks.

2) You got your DRINK on right before dancing. A classic W.C. move.

3) You eschewed the wardrobe choice of your handlers, who wanted to cover up your chunk. Instead, you chose to let it all hang out, with lots of bling. Again, a classic W.C. move.

4) The song you did was "Gimme More" which W.C. says all the time, especially when talking about Nachos, Hot Dogs, or Champagne.

5) BiBi, do you NEED any more comparisons? Girl, wake up! You do your thang, and let W.C. along do her own thing! We gotta deal? Don't make us break down all of the dance moves you done STOLE from W.C. during your "performance"...

Poor Butterscotch Stallion!

OMG, get well soon, Butterscotch Stallion! Think about that movie, "It's a Wonderful Life." Remeber it? Well, without you, we'd have no Hansel (Zoolander), nor the dude you played in The Life Acquatic with Steve Zissou, nor the dude you played in The Royal Tennenbaums, nor the dude you played in The Wedding Crashers.

And your brothers would miss you. Your nose may be shaped a bit weird, but WC thinks that gives you character, sort of like WC's big-giant feet.

If you want someone to hang out with, WC will totally keep you company.

We can draw mustaches on all photos of Kate Hudson. We can eat pints of Cherry Garcia and fly kites and look for 4 leaf clovers in the park. We can make our own suede moccasins, and create art works involving plaster casts of each others faces. We can roast hot dogs and marshmallows over a campfire.

We totally can be BFFs, now that WC is trying to put some distance between herself and BiBi Spears, so that WC don't get subpoenaed by K-Fed!

Be well, for realz.

The Truth Comes Out: BiBi and W.C. --- Separated at Birth???

10 reasons to be suspicious: BiBi likes to DRANK. BiBi likes SUNGLASSES. BiBi likes to DANCE. BiBi Likes to CURSE. BiBi likes TACOS. BiBi got a WIG. BiBi chews GUM. BiBi ain't got time for no KIDS. BiBi lurves JUSTIN. BiBi's flip flops STANK.
Compare to WC: WC likes to DRANK. WC likes SUNGLASSES. WC likes to DANCE. WC Likes to CURSE. WC likes TACOS. WC got a WIG. WC is from the SOUTH. WC chews GUM. WC ain't got time for no KIDS. WC lurves JUSTIN. WC's flip flops STANK.
Did ya'll think that MAYBE the reason ya'll haven't heard from WC lately is because she is the new BFF of BiBi??? Well, it sure seems possible........

But no.

The TRUTH is that BiBi appears to be Single White Female-ing W.C.... The evidence speaks for itself. Feel free to point out additional evidence in the comments.

And REMEMBER: White Chocolate was DOING CRAZY while BIBI was still in the MICKEY MOUSE CLUB.

JT Has a Business Venture

Justin Timberlake is launching his own record label! Who does he think he is? Sean "Puff-Daddy" "Puffy" "P-Diddy" "Diddy" Coombs?

Well, good for Justin, but W.C. doesn't understand the name of JT's new label:

Tenman???

What does the TEN stand for? Ten fingers and ten toes? That's about average for most people, so it can't be that.

Perfect ten? OOh, that would be conceited!

Shouldn't it be something like SexyBack Recordings? I dunno. Help a girl out! We gotta get Justin on the right track!

You know what else this means? A pity-album for BiBi Spears! Woo hoo! I'ma get my dance on!

BiBi wears ugly clothes

Girl, that top looks like you got it at Guess Closeout Factory store off of the 2-for-$9.99 rack.
You watch America's Next Top Model? Cause my girl Dionne was wearing a top like that a few weeks back and she like to have gotten herself thrown off the show! Is that why you look sad, girl? Don't worry, Dionne got herself together, and you can too.

I know you still got that Louisiana Mall Mentality, and being from modest means I can feel you on that, but you got money now! That's why you signed that pre-nup! Shop like you got some real money in your pocket once in a while!

We got a saying where I am from: "GIRL, SOMEBODY DONE LIED TO YOU."

Get thee to Rodeo Drive, and go with someone who will TELL YOU THE TRUTH. Better yet, come down to Miami and go shopping at the Macy's at Dadeland. There's one real sweet Cuban sales lady who works up in the DKNY department or thereabouts, and she WILL tell you how it is. She says: "Oh no, baby. I don like thees ones for you" and will bring you something much purtyer to try on, and THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.

Don't be trying to fool WC now---*I* can tell the difference between Gucci and Fucchi.

BiBi Off or On Wagon? W.C. Confused.

Oh, BiBi. WC gots more questions than answers today.

FIRST, how you gonna wear a hat that is from 10 years ago?

THEN, how you gonna wear it over top of a busted-ass wig?

THEN, how you gonna let your nip hang out all over the place?

ALSO, BiBi, is that a purple bra-strap hanging off your shoulder?

ALSO, where your purty grill went?

ALSO, where them babies at?

LAWD. WC is plumb tired out from this girl. 5 Dolla said she has been reading up on BiBi this week, and that girl done got an entire extra baby worth of fat lipo-sucked from herself. Good for you, BiBi! Suck out ALL them Cheetos!

ALSO, BiBi has been dancing again (practicing her moves!), AND she been dranking the booze again. Sounds like she's on the WC path to happiness and enlightenment!

Stuff Ya'll Can Buy (for W.C.)

OK, OK... ya'll don't really NEED to buy this for W.C.:

But DAWG! The fact that a Mickey-D's french fried tater-holder with BOTH Baby BiBi and Baby J.T. on it still exists boggles W.C.'s mind! And it's available for sale on eBay?! That is cuh-ray-zay!

W.C.'s fry containers usually get all greasy and sqashed right off the bat. Or, sometimes I fold down the top, to save some fries in my purse for later. Mmm mmm... add some fresh salt and ketchup to those cold taters, and they are as good as new, and perfect when W.C. is hongry after a night of par-taying.

The point is, this tater-holder is a rare find. Go ahead and spring for the 5 bucks (it's that much, because of $3.95 shipping) and BUY THIS THING. In 20 years, you'll totally be able to get your money back, plus at LEAST a dollar or so more.

Investment strategy, W.C. style!

BiBi with a "Real" Grill

These people done did what 5 Dolla was tryin' to do! 5 Dolla, you just got SERVED! Lookie here:

Ta da!

W.C. LUVS THE INTERNETS!

BiBi Spears is still a mess...

W.C. found this pic of BiBi and just had to say something, and thankfully somebody had already blacked out BiBi's bibi, which you can see because she done forgot her underwearz again!
Dear BiBi,

Nice wig, nice purse. The jury is out on those velvet bike shorts, but at least you ain't gonna flash your hootchie-cootchie. As for your STAINED-ASS SHIRT:

QUESTION: Why the HELL do you think White Chocolate wears BLACK to every par-tay?

ANSWER: W.C. wears black because nobody can see the food and drank that you spill all over yourself when your ass gets drunk and hongry. As long as you don't have dandruff (those lights in the club WILL show dandruff and other skurry types of stains), then wearing black is ALWAYS the way to go. Especially for hongry and thirsty girls like you and me.

At LEAST you weren't drinking red wine. Also, when you know the cameras are following you, why not just stay in your seat at the restaurant until that stain dries?!

Unless that's grease. DOH.

W.C.'s Style O' The Week #8, and BiBi Back in the News

W.C. done fell, and and squashed her purtiest party-glasses and broke 'em. Potential replacements:

Ain't these nice? They match W.C.'s new pimp goblet. Do you have any other suggestions? W.C. CANNOT go out partying again until the glasses are replaced. This is a rule. It helps protect W.C. from the paparazzi (or the Pavarotti, as BiBi's former man K-Fed creatively calls them).

OOH, and speaking of BiBi and Stank-Fed, maybe that boy is smarter than W.C. gives him credit for, because he is allegedly getting ALL KINDS of BiBi's money, plus those babies four days a week!

That's probably a good thing, because it means BiBi only has to concentrate for 3 days a week on not dropping them, or leaving them wandering on Rodeo Drive, or flashing her hootchi-cootchie around them, or trading them for magic beans.

Silly BiBi---REAL magic beans cost WAY more than a couplea babies!

No News is Good News? And Style O' the Week, # 7

Sorry folks. W.C. got into a box of wine, and therefore has been asleep at the posting wheel. Therefore, if any of ya'll repeat offenders (you know who you are) been checking back to see if W.C. got anything to say 'bout anything, W.C. is sorry.

However, W.C.'s friend "D.W.C." pointed a brand new hur-style called the Pony-Hawk, a/k/a Faux-Hawk, which W.C. will claim for use as her Style of the Week:

LAWD! W.C. gotta veto this one and call it the STANK Style O' The Week, but tell me what ya'll think. Maybe W.C. is just jealous cause her purty hair won't do that style!

D.W.C. also blogs the Britney-Gun-In-Church incident:

Oh my goodness. That is cuh-ray-zay. That BiBi is a traveling circus. Careful of what you read on D.W.C.'s site though because some of it is weird and perverted and involves fruit roll-ups, and if you are under 18 it ain't suitable for you, and you should go surf Nickelodeon instead.

O.K. So W.C. will try to stay out of the wine, and keep up with giving you the important style news you crave.

BiBi got her nails did...

W.C.'s girl 5 Dolla has been a busy little internet worker bee, and has turned up this article about BiBi, along with this photograph: As the article notes, check out BiBi's hot-pink french tips.

Well, W.C. doesn't at disapprove of BiBi taking care of herself and getting her NAILS DID and stuff, even if this current UNBEWEAVEABLE, hair-full image flies in the face of the new hard-rocking image that BiBi was cultivating...

Still, BiBi----> If you are trying to turn back the clock and go back to olden times, just paint the whole nail pink, ok Girl? Or get a straight up french manicure.

Get yourself a stylist! W.C. will even act as your style-consultant for free! BiBi, it's a fine line you are walking ...you know where to reach me, Girl.

BiBi getz a Grill?

According to semi-reliable news sources, BiBi has made a quick post-rehab dash to the dentist. According to TOTALLY UNRELIABLE news sources, i.e. speculation, conjecture, and photoshopping by my girl "5 Dolla"... the reason for the stop at the dentist was to get fitted for a NEW GRILL:

OH LAWD, 5 Dolla need a new photo-editing program. BiBi looks good with a grill, but Professor W.C. thinks BiBi actually went in for "Molar Pain" as reported, in order to get a pain-meds scrip!

Once a bare-footed crackhead, always a bare-footed crackhead! But W.C. loves you, BiBi!

BiBi gets hugged up with a dude!

Good news! BiBi Spears MUST finally be listening to WC's advice. According to information from my girl 5 Dolla, BiBi done got all hugged up with a dude named Jason Filyaw who has a band called Riva. Here he go:

BiBi, this boy ain't half-bad-looking, both of ya'll got shaved heads, both of ya'll sing, and both of ya'll got that hard-living-rehab credibility going for you.

(Of course, we must take breaking news reported by 5 Dolla with LESS credibility than other, reliable sources of news like The National Enquirer. After all, 5 Dolla IS the one who gave me a container of partially used deodorant for Santy Claus Day. I been using that deoderant too, after I wiped off her stank from the top layer with a tissue.)

But W.C. digresses. BiBi, I am glad to see you are back in the game, and listening to Auntie W.C.'s advice. Get out there and get your nails did for your new man! And GURL, write to W.C. sometime and give me a personal update, so's I don't hafta rely on third-hand info from stank deodorant re-gifters!

No JT for BiBi...

Well, BiBi is busting out of rehab--legitimately this time. And along with that news, everybody is reporting that JT don't want nothing to do with her crusty, barefooted self (which is what he means when he says "we just friends").

Well, BiBi... maybe it's for the best. JT is a little too pretty and polished for your new career track that W.C. has designed for you. You need to partner up with someone who is more on your new head-shaved, rock-out level.

Maybe this dude:

His name is Pete Doherty (no relation to Shannon that W.C. knows of) and like you, he also enjoys partying, going in and out of rehab, rocking out, and long walks on the beach.

Anyone else have some suggestions of suitable suitors for post-rehab BiBi???