W.C.'s Featured Style O' the Week, # 1

W.C. gets sent lots of emails with PURTY pictures of people with their nails and hair did. W.C. wants to share the wealth of these LOVELY creations. Now, W.C. don't wanna be accused of stealing folks' pictures. I gots these via email. So, if you are the manicurist or the hair-dooer who did any picture I post, or if the pic is of your head or foot, let me know. I'll be happy to attribu-tate you to the photo, or let people know where your nail shop is, and maybe even stop by myself. The photos I shall post are no boring, ORDINARY styles.... So, here we go, Numero Uno:

These nails are really something special, and W.C. likes them MOST OF ALL because the drinks featured here, especially Mountain Dew, are some of the BEST and most TASTIEST drinks in the world. We got RC Cola, Pepsi, Mello Yellow (!!!!!!), Dr. Pepper, Diet Dr. Pepper, Sprite, and 7Up. This person must work for PepsiCo, because of the Coca-Cola shut out.

W.C. sez: "Bravo! Bravo!" What do ya'll think?!

Never mind, girl.

Dear BiBi: I just read the news. Forget I said anything about trying to get you and Justin Timberlake back together. When I wrote that the time was ripe for you to leap into action to get Justin's attention, I didn't mean you should do THIS:

Ooh, LAWD! Girl, first of all: You are looking craygee, and it ain't even The Baldness. It's your eyes. You are shooting crazy bullets out of them eyes.

Second of all: How you gonna copy MY style, with your new wig, and wearing shiny glasses at night, and dancing on tables and drinking beverages with alcohol in them until your nose turns red, sneaking out of rehab, walking around barefooted, and hitting peoples' cars with umbrellas? That's MY thing. You are stomping your crusty feets on MY territory. You are just like this girl "Black Vanilla" that I know, who lives in a trailer with Ni Ni's ex-BF Artel in Apopka, who is constantly copying everything I do.

Third of all: W.C. aimed a little high by saying we could get you back with JT. Girl, do you WANT you a man? It isn't required, of course. For example, W.C. has been single and happy since the beginning of time, besides deep-meaningful-relationships-from-afar with several celebrity boyfriends. However, IF you do want yourself a BoyFriend (OR a GF?) then W.C. suggests aiming a little lower.

Stanky Federline MIGHT be a candidate given your history together, although --- W.C. is shocked at saying this --- Stank-Fed might be a little above your league at this point....

Final point: Did u adopt your kids over to Angelina J. and Brad P.? Maybe you should consider it! Heck, even W.C. would do a better job looking after them babies at this point.

What has the world come to?

Oooh, Britney! Not again, Girl!

Girl! I was checking out one of the gossip blogs I read, and I saw something that like to have made me slack-jawed in disbelief. GIRL. Well yes, I know you done showed your hootchie cootchie a coupla times. But THAT is NOT what I am talking about. Rather, the thing that bothers W.C. is THIS:


GIRL, it looks to me like you done left that TAG IN YOUR DRESS. Oh. My. Goodness.

PLEASE don't tell me you gonna return it later, except I already know that is the ONLY reason somebody gonna leave a tag in a dress. I KNOW it ain't comfortable having that stiff tag rubbing against you, and I KNOW you can FEEL it, girl. Well, W.C. can sure SEE it. And if W.C. can see it, JUSTIN CAN SEE IT. AND IF JUSTIN CAN SEE IT, HOPE MAY BE LOST.

Sure, W.C. has maybe left a tag in a purty blouse or something, once or twice, and then took it back to the West Oaks Mall (Magik Mall don't take NOTHING back!)... assuming I didn't get too much STANK on it (although Febreeze was invented for a reason). But while that is something W.C. can get away with, you cain't! Plus, W.C. ain't got no paycheck and everybody know you got money, so what is going through your head!? You frustrate me, Girl.

You BEST be glad I won't forward this to JT to gain a competitive advantage over your stank barefoot self. But deep down, W.C. believes in true love, and what says true love MORE than those matching head-to-toe denim outfits you and JT wore that one time? Remember that?! That was special, and worth saving. Together we can make that happen again, Girl!

First step: Cut out them tags. OWN that dress, Girl!

Happy New Years!

OOOH, Santy Clauz was niiiice to W.C. this year. Among other things, I gots a FANCY, giant "pimp goblet" from D.D., some purty wall hangins from Shaniqua and D., and a box o' stuff from 5 Dolla. But the funny s*** is that everything from 5 Dolla was USED. There was partially used deodorant, used socks, used foot lotion, and a pre-burnt candle set. Damn, 5 Dolla! Girl, you coulda just got me a card. Now you gonna go around being all stank because you gave up your deodorant! HA! I'm still gonna use that s*** though.

Here go the pimp goblet:
So, then after Santy Clauz Day came New Years Eve, the most magical day of the year. I wish I could remember more of it, but somebody spiked my pimp goblet with a magical brew that tasted like scrawberry kool-aid, but apparently had a bit more potency. Doh! I wore my fancy goat-hair collar, and I got new slippers with hearts on them at the Dollar Store at the West Oaks Mall (you know, that one by JC Penney), but they fell apart after one night of dancing with D.D., Ben Ben, 5 Dolla, and the rest of them crazy kids!

"Air it out, air it out!"

I shouldn't tell ya'll this, but Ben Ben's momma made that kimono out of the living room curtains:
Ain't that amazing??? Ben Ben is Asian Scarlett O'Hara, ya'll!!! Anyway, we all got our dance on, and ran wild through the fields of Apopka for one grand evening at Ground Zero, toasting at midnight with only the very finest, Martini & Rossi Asti Spumanti. Yee ha!

Merry Holidays from Miami Beach!

If U lived here, U wouldn't be freezing your dry, crusty toes off, suckas! Only a few more days until people start passing out glasses of free champagne. Woo hoo! I'll take 10, thanks. Here's wishing that for 2007, JT (and/or the new James Bond) finally comes to his senses and asks W.C. on a date. May all your dreams come true, and may I finally pay off that "grill" I got on layaway at the Beall's Outlet in Apopka, before they go outta style!

W.C. hearts James

HOOTCHIES! HANDS OFF! That's my new man you're all hugged up on. And I do mean MAN. That's not to disrespect Young Justin Timberlake, who certainly ain't a little kid no more, but THIS man is a GROWN-ASS MAN. His name is James Bond, and I done seen him in a movie this weekend without his clothes on! Whoo hoo!

IMPOSTER!!!

Can you believe it??? An imposter, a pretender, a fake, a phony has played an awful trick on poor W.C.! SOMEBODY done put on W.C.'s wig, glasses, goat-hair collar, and then sent W.C. the taunting photographs, to document the VIOLATION!

The savvy perpetrator even used W.C.'s very own "tongue-stuck-out" move, LAWD! Do not let the clever pose fool you. This is not W.C.! This ain't W.C. either, although this is kinda how I look at myself in the mirror after I get my hair did:
W.C. would NEVER do this pose:
This just ain't fair, yo. W.C. feels so violated! Clearly the imposter had an accomplice. Anybody with TIPS on the identity of the imposter, you lemmeknow. Anonymous tips are OK, but you better *67 my ass, because I got caller I.D., bitches! I already have my suspicions, so certain "persons of interest" might wanna be careful at Thanksgiving this year, and watch they backs... Because they just MIGHT get a turkey leg up-side the head! To hell with The People's Court, that's what we call STREET JUSTICE!

On Halloween...

The FREAKS come out, ya'll! Happy Halloween from South Beach!

WC also stands for White Castle

Oh, HELL NO. Is that a wedding reception taking place AT the White Castle? Now, I ain't trying to hate on the Happy Couple or nothing. Not at all.

As a matter of fact, I sure do love me some White Castle. I like the way White Castle's initials are "W.C." like mine. Incidentally, the way we do things in the Dirty South is we have "KRYSTAL", which is basically the same thing, with similar food, but no castle-shaped building, and different color scheme. Now, as much as I LOOOOOOVE White Castle/Krystal, I would not celebrate anything there. Except a hangover!

Listen to me, Happy Couple... In the future, when celebrating, if you are hankering to have your event include those delectable little re-hydrated onions, get your Uncle Earl to GO down to the Krystal or White Castle as the case may be, and pick up the food. Or, just have your Momma make a casserole. I bet she'd be happy to help out.

That way, you don't have to deal with delicate little tiny burgers that have gotten SQUISHED INTO OBLIVION in the transit, when Uncle Earl stopped to get a "cold-drink" at the 7-11 on the way back. You KNOW that happens, people, and it can take a matter of MINUTES for the burgers to collapse into nothingness...

Krystal/White Castle burgers are ephemeral creatures, which is exactly what makes them so special...

Drink Yo-self Some WC

Oh hell yes! Look at this FANCY drink I found in Publix that's named after ME, the one and only White Chocolate. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly! Note that it's "imported" which means it's very, very fancy. My fave drink B4 now --- besides champagne, of course --- WAS Tequila Rose, because it tastes just like Strawberry YooHoo, but this new "W.C." drink is an interesting development indeed. Lawd! W.C. is blushing!

GHET-TOES, Exhibit #1

Ooooh, those are some GHET-TOES! Don't go thinking those are MY toes, now. Boys and girls, you KNOW WC loves to get her toenails did, with some airbrush details and sparkles . Did you know they make press-on toe-nails? They do. They got them down at the Magik Mall. Perhaps this is what this crusty-toed subject needs. And perhaps shave down them corns. And most of all, a WAX!!! Yes, look closely people and see the HAIRS! Ooh, lawd!

I think this could be a continuing series. If you have a photo of some ghet-toes, email them to WC.

Tall Car: Dayuuum!

WC was ridin' around on I-95 this past weekend, and lookie here at what she saw! In case you cain't read the yellow sign on the back, it says "How High Are You?" and WC suspects somebody was seriously in an altered state when they decided this was a good idea. As a side note, WC wanna meet the driver. He was lookin' sorta like a Puerto-Rican Justin Timberlake. Wooooooo!

WC needs to get her hair did

HELP!!! I need to get my hair did! This is basically how it look right now, except more messed up. Yeah, I am still FINE and LOVELY. But I could be finer. I been to wigs.com, wigcompany.com, and some other places. I looked at different weaves, and braids, and styles... There are two problems: 1) Cain't decide. 2) Cain't afford. Oh hell, ya'll... Going to parties is fun, but it don't pay the rent, and neither do I... HA HA!

Seriously though, WC solicits your advice on which new hairstyle to choose... And uh.... donations will be accepted. There will be fundraisers! First, there gonna be a Kool-Aid, boiled p-nut, and Kash n' Karry cupcake sale, intermittantly, on the corner of Mercy and Colonial in Pine Hills, or Hwy 50 and Hwy 27 in Cleremont (wherever I can get a ride to). But don't make me resort to selling my *bling* on eBay, damn! This fundraising activity shall continue until I reach my goal of fabulous new hair... SHOW YOUR SUPPORT, bitches!

GHETT-O-METER: Quiz yoself, fool!

Somebody emailed this quiz to W.C...

1. You've ever used an album cover for a dustpan. (5 points)
ANYTHING FLAT CAN BE USED AS A DUSTPAN. Be creative: Think outside the box, yo!

2. If you've ever run a race barefoot in the middle of the street. (10 points)
Wearing shoes is overrated. I loooooove my platforms, but that Payless junk be cutting into my corns if I dance on'em too long. Plus, shoes are the single biggest cause of toe-jam. I say, only wear shoes when you going out to da clu b. Or someplace like the corner store, cause they floor is sticky. Eww! When I saw pictures of Britney at Texaco in the bathroom without shoes on I wanted to turn that girl over my knee. Girl! That's nasty!

3. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood. (5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady)
Nope, don't know whatchoo talking about, but I do know that $1.06 @ the 7-11 = 20 Fireballs! Lawdy that's HOT! We had to buy candy that lasted a long time.

4. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt. (3 points for each)
All I am gonna say is a peach switch stings, yo! Ooow!

5. If you have ever had to walk to school or walked home from school. (2 points)
Only when I missed that damned bus because I couldn't get the damned pig to go into the damned crate.

6. If you have ever used dishwashing liquid for bubble bath. (5 points)
Palmolive, you're soaking in it! If it makes bubbles, it counts as a bubble bath, don't it????????

7. If you ever mixed Kool-Aid one glass at a time because you got tired of other people drinking up the Kool-Aid you just made (5 points).
Naaaahhh.... I wait for somebody elses' ass to mix up the kool aid and then I drink it up! HA HA HA!

8. If you have ever played any of the following games: hide and go seek, freeze, tag, Momma may I? or red light/green light. (2 points each)
Yeah, so what!?

9. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man. (2 points + 2 if he rang a bell)
This is one of da things in my life that is a painful, painful memory. We lived in da woods, and i could HEAR the ice cream man THROUGH the woods... A haunting, echoing melody... No ice cream for poor little W.C... Poh-bray-cee-tah!

10. If you refer to "Now and Later" candies as "Nighladers". (5 points)
Hell no. Who says that? Clearly, it's "Nowerladers." NOWERLADERS, got it!?

11. If you've ever run from the police on foot. (5 points + 5 if you got away)
Nawwww, you gotta play NICE with the po-po.

12. If you've ever had reusable bacon grease in a container on your stove. (5 points + 15 if you still do it)
Hell No! Dust and nastiness gets into your bacon grease if you do that. You GOTTA keep yo grease in the FRIGIDAIRE or FREEZER. Put a little on collard greens, mustard greens, turnip greens, pot of beans, fried eggs, really anything tastes better with a little bacon grease added to it.

13. The batteries in your remote control ever been held in by a piece of tape. (5 points)
So?! Tape was invented for a fricken reason, wasn't it!?

14. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances (1 point each): Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge.
Whatever they spray on you when you walk through Macy's. It's called Chanel "Gratis"...

15. You've ever used Tussy. (5 points)
I don't even know what that is, but it SOUNDS dirty. Who wrote this quiz???

16. You've never been to the dentist. (15 points)
Gimme the gas....!!!

17. If you have a friend or family member whose nickname is one word said twice: dee-dee, fee-fee, man-man, Kay-Kay, lee-lee, ree-ree, ray-ray, nay-nay, etc.(10 points)
BEN BEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

18. You have ever paged yourself for any reason. (3 points)
No comment.

19. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house. (2 points)
This question is too vague. What constitutes "house shoes"? Shoes are shoes. And how far out of the house constitutes being outside of the house??? If I am standing on my front steps, or out in the yard, or walking down the street right quick to borrow some milk, that's not really leaving home.

20. You add "ED" or "T" to the end of words already in the past tense (for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt,ruint, etc.) (5 points)
WC SEZ: Linguistic creativity is a good thing. HA HA, ya'll didn't think I could bust out with a work like "linguistic" did ya'll?? Gimme some credit, yo, I watch those cable-access classes when I get home from my parties.... Hypotenuse, bitches!

21. You use 'n'em to describe a certain group of people ( for example Craig'n'em or Momma 'n'em). (5 points)
Whatever. What you tryin to say, Quiz-Writer? You trying to call me ghetto???

22. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat. (5points)
It's STILL A TIRE. If it ain't flat, it's a tire. DAMN. The car drives the same, so what's the problem?!

23. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it. (10 points)
I ain't got no kids!!! I do like to carry a pacifier, made of grape, cherry, or sour apple candy. If it fell on the ground, I would run it under the water-hose for a minute.

24. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair. (10 points)
Hell no. My hair goes on the wig-haid when I am done with it.

25. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate. (2 points)
That's a compliment to the chef if you take they food with you.

26. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails. (5 points)
I stopped getting my nails did long after I poked myself in the eye that time when I wuz dancing.

27. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words. (10 points)
No gold teeth: They don't look good in photographs.

28. You don't have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan's. (15 points)
No kids. Oh my goodness, you imagine a WC Jr.? I'ma skerred.

29. You constantly hit *69 and ask, "Did you just call here?" (10 points)
How else can I know who been calling here and hanging up?

30. You think Tupac is still alive. (20 points)
How the hell do I know who is alive and daid? Shoot, he could be either one. I ain't SEEN him daid.

31. If you are going to have to use a calculator to add your points. (25points)
WC refuses to tally up these points. WC *transcends* all labels. EVERYBODY got a little bitta ghetto in'em anyway. And you KNOW this!

....Now the results totals, according to WC.....

0 - 50 points - I say weave, you immediately think fabric...
51 - 75 points - You would not think of Dollar Tree as a solid starting place when shopping for your underwear and/or shoes.
76 - 150 points - Your closet holds a head-to-toe Fendi signature print outfit. And you have worn all of it, together.
150 points or more - You best meet WC down at the Magik Mall this weekend, so we can get our hair did.

The Pole: A Lesson in Stank

Professor W.C. here. Lemme give ya'll a lesson in how to THROW DOWN SOME STANK. Now, I ain't talking about no "literal" stank. STANK is a mood, a state of mind. HARNESS the POWER of the STANK, and use it for good, not for evil.

Take, for example, the occasion of the installation of The Pole at G.Z. (for those of you who ain't in the know, "G.Z." stands for Ground Zero, a special party-spot located in Florida. A craygee lady named "Wild Oats" is the proprietor, but it's a private V.I.P. establishment, so don't go trying to seek it out. INVITATION ONLY, BITCHES! But the FL G.Z. existed years before the new G.Z. in N-Why-C, and the Florida G.Z. has nothing to do with airplanes, or towers, or putting a jihad on anybody's ass)... Oh, except maybe for the time when a bottle-rocket put a jihad on a certain party-goer's ass... but that's a discussion for another time....

Back to STANK, and The Pole: When The Pole became installed at G.Z., for the festivities surrounding the recent birthday of Wild Oats, W.C. just HAD to throw down some stank (see photographic evidence). Now, this is for professionals, friends. You might wanna practice this at home in front of the mirror before you go exhibiting STANK out in public. To really get down, one must allow the STANK to take over. One must give oneself over to the STANK. Become ONE with the stank. You can do it. Plentiful "Natural Ice" beer and good music helps. W.C. can help, too.... If you want to know more about the secrets of stank, but need help getting your STANK on, or you just need advice, give W.C. a shout: emailWC@gmail.com.

WC at the Zoo

"Hey CAMEL! Whatcha gonna do with all that water, all that water inside those humps? My humps, my humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely camel lumps, check it out!"

REHAB

Yo, check out the pic, people: Beck's NON-ALCOHOLIC beer. See? Rehab worked. I ain't no alcoholic. But I am a non-alcoholic-holic. That near-beer stuff tastes good... I am addicted. Par-tay!

The Hamptons

Everything here is pastel, damn! Lilly Pulitzer? More like Lilly Puke-itzer. No joke, it's STANK. I only packed black, and bling. Since I, W.C., am in rehab up here (oh, did I forget to mention that to ya'll???--oops, my bad)... Yeah, because of the rehab I am not really allowed to sneak off the compound for any of the par-tays... But don't worry, I'll be back in action soon (shhh.....don't tell nobody).

Letter to Britney

GIRL! This is W.C., Baby. I got LOTS to talk to you about. We got something in common girl, 'cause we both LOVE that man J.T., and sadly, both of us lost him.... You may not know this, but I lost him to my homegirl 5 Dolla, who made out with him when he was the tender age of 15... So that means I got a soft spot for you since neither of us can have him, at least whiles he gots that blonde GF.............

Anyway, moving on to the issue of the moment, HOW THE HELL you gonna dress like that, Girl?

FIRST: The cardinal rule of letting your thong hang the hell out of your jeans is that the thing best be sparkly, or make some kind of STATEMENT, other than: "Owww! Damn, I am getting streched the hell out, and it sho' stank in here!"

SECOND, your top and bra combination look like it ought to be on some drunk-ass lady wantin' a hot dog at 3:31 a.m. at the 24 Hour Wal-Mart in Apopka... Girl, you got money in your bank account! If you wanna wear a bra, go to the mall, and they got something called a "halter bra".... but we both know you got yourself some fake tay-tahs anyway, and don't *need* a bra, so wassup with that look? Seriously, Girl.

And THIRD, the worst of all, why the hell you didn't get your hair did before you left the house? All I ever see is your greasy roots, and stringy, multi-color highlights all balled up on yo' head. Assuming K-Fed ain't spent all your money on cheetos, you best be taking better care of yourself. Go get your corns shaved down, and your hair did (and Girl, I know where you can get a nice, purty wig if you don't wanna be fixin your hair all the time) . Then, go shopping at a NICE store. Take me with you, and you can buy me something glittery in exchange for the fashion advice!

Besides the fashion advice, I gotta ask you: Why the hell you gotta be dropping that baby all over the damned place? If you wanna take him with you all over tarnation, you can get yourself a backpack and strap the baby to yourself. Strap him in good! And Honey---this will be my final word of advice for today---be a smart girl and pour your gin and tonic into an Evian water bottle so folks can't point and laugh at your effin highball glass. Listen to W.C.! We'll get you back on track in no time.

Boat Party

Hey ya'll, I was partying on this boat last night---NOT the boat in the picture, but the boat I am standing on taking a picture of that little-ass boat down there... HA HA! Who CARES if it was gambling cruise ship? BINGO, mutha-flunkas!